


Positive (Fruitful Endeavors)

by pam_a_lamb



Series: What Love Is [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Gotham City Sirens (Comics), Harley Quinn (Comics), Poison Ivy (Comics)
Genre: F/F, Semerket on ff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:20:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25413817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pam_a_lamb/pseuds/pam_a_lamb
Summary: Harley goes missing and Ivy is determined to find out what happened to her. Sequel to a previous fic "Back to you (What Love Is)".
Relationships: Pamela Isley & Harleen Quinzel, Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel
Series: What Love Is [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1840633
Comments: 20
Kudos: 151





	1. Trouble

Chapter 1: Trouble

Harley appeared relatively calm on the outside, but inside she was experiencing nothing less than abject terror. Harley stared at the little thing with wonder. Under any other circumstances she would have laughed at how much grief a little plastic stick had been able to cause her.

 _Positive_.

The little pink plus sign mocked her, but it wasn't just the single sign that bothered her. There were at least five other pink plus signs and they were all telling her the same thing. Strewn about the small bathroom floor were several empty boxes of Fruitful Endeavors home pregnancy tests. Harley was sitting on the edge of the toilet lid completely oblivious to her surroundings beyond the little plus sign she held in her hand. What the hell was she going to do? Or more importantly: what was she going to tell Ivy?

Harley berated herself. It was so typical that this would happen. Just when she had finally severed ties with the Joker he still found a way to haunt her. Ivy despised him utterly. There's no way she'd want to look at his grinning kid day end and day out. Ivy would put her out. And what would she do for money? She hadn't done anything illegal since she'd gotten together with Pamela. That had been a little more than three months ago, and they had been the best months of Harley's tragic life. Her only regret was not coming to her senses sooner. Harley laughed bitterly. Of all the times she had _actually_ wanted to go back to Joker, the one time that she didn't, she might have too out of necessity.

The joke was on her.

 _Fuck. My. Life._ The harlequin was jolted out of her sad reverie by the sound of Ivy banging on the door. She could hear her concerned voice on the other side.

"Harley?" The blond jumped up from her seat in panic. Harley realized she must have been silent for too long because Ivy continued. "Harley, I'm coming in..."

The blond's eyes bulged. " _Noooooo!"_ Harley saw the doorknob turning and raced over and grabbed it. Then she quickly locked the door, much to her partner's annoyance.

Ivy's voice held a combination of amusement and bafflement, "What are you _doing_ in there?"

Harley began gathering up the tests as she frantically tried to figure out where to stash them. They'd be too visible in the trash. Harley raised her voice to be heard through the door, "Just a minute!"

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine!" Harley thought maybe she could hide it in the hamper- yes, at the bottom. She began pulling clothes and towels out and frantically tossing them on the floor of the whicker clothing container.

She could hear the skepticism in the other woman's voice. "You've been in there for over an hour!" Satisfied that the troublesome tests were stashed at the bottom of the hamper, the flailing blond began tossing the clothes back inside.

Harley sounded a bit labored from the speed of her exertions. "I'm takin' a shower!"

"Then how come the water hasn't been running?"

Oops. She rubbed her face as she tried to think of a believable excuse. "Well... I… Uh..." Thinking fast was never Harley's strong suit. She needed to deflect the emphasis off of herself. "Didja need somethin', Red?" Maybe she could get rid of her that way.

"I was going to do laundry."

Harley mouthed 'Oh my god' as she realized she'd have to hide the tests somewhere else. She pulled the hamper over and dumped out all the clothes and snatched up the tests. Her blue eyes settled on the cabinet.

"Harley, you're not constipated, are you? Because I have an herbal remedy for that you know..."

Harley muttered low enough that she couldn't be heard through the door. "Oh, there's no remedy for this, I assure you!" She hurriedly stashed the boxes and tests in the very back of the bathroom cabinet. Ivy was unlikely to look behind the cleaning detergents; unless she was planning on mopping the floor _and_ doing the laundry simultaneously, which was unlikely. Or so Harley hoped.

"Harley-"

"I'm. Not. _Constipated_!" She yelled loudly as she rolled her eyes. Harley sounded quite childish. She began picking up the clothes again and tossing them back into the hamper.

"I thought you'd managed to flush yourself down the toilet!"

Harley's eyes were getting moist. "Yea, of course I did. Because I'm sucha stupid bimbo, right?! Harleys' sucha clown she can never do anythin' right _evah_! Stupid Harley can't even take a dump without help!" She was so angry at herself.

"So then..." She could hear the redhead's confusion through the door. "You _are_ constipated?"

She shrieked. "No! I'm not fuckin' constipated!" She was crying now.

"Well." Ivy huffed, "You don't have to take that tone with me. Excuse me, for caring about your well-being!"

Oh great. The last thing she needed was an irate Ivy. Forcing herself to calm down, Harley took a deep breath and said sincerely, "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Red." Harley hoped the apology would work.

"Open the damn door!" Unfortunately it didn't.

Having straightened out the bathroom, she wiped her eyes. Luckily she wasn't really wearing any makeup at the moment. Harley opened the door and stepped out. Ivy was clearly upset, but she seemed more worried than angry. "It's all yours, Red." Harley offered a small smile and began to walk away.

Ivy's hands immediately grabbed her arm and pulled her closer. "Tell me what's wrong." She said softly. Ivy had noticed Harley's behavior had become more erratic as of late.

Ivy's piercing green eyes had an almost primal glint in them. They looked more like an exotic feline predator's eyes than a human's. She could see the affection in them. Harley gulped and felt ashamed. She couldn't look her in the eye. She couldn't hurt her like this. She'd already hurt Ivy so much over the years. Every time Harley chose the Joker over Ivy she'd broken the woman's heart and she was going to do it again.

"Talk to me, baby." Her face drew nearer to Harley's. It irked her that the blond was unable to look at her. This was highly irregular. She reached up and stroked Harley's cheek.

Harley's eyes instinctively closed as she felt her lover's fingers gently rubbing her cheek and jawline. She could smell Ivy's unique scent. She always smelled like some kind of intoxicating flower. The blond brought her hands up to Ivy's. It was difficult to resist the green seductress at the worst of times, but Harley wasn't ready to discuss this. She doubted she would ever be. Ivy placed a soft kiss on the blond's lips. That seemed to give the blond the resolve to untangle herself from the goddess.

Harley gently pulled Ivy's hands away from her face and took a step back. "It's nothing, Red." She stared at the floor as she spoke. "I just haven't been feeling that well lately."

Ivy was studying her intensely. Harley was very familiar with this expression. She was assessing the blond's truthfulness. The expression changed and her eyes now had a hint of sadness in them. She knew that Harley wasn't being entirely honest. It broke the blond's heart knowing that she had done it _again_. Harley wasn't sure if it was the stress or the guilt, maybe all of the above, but before she knew it she was waking up in another part of the house.

"Red?" Harley sat up slowly. She was lying on their bed.

"You fainted." Ivy explained as she dabbed the blond's head with a cool cloth. "You should get some sleep now, it's late. We can set you up with a doctor's appointment in the morning."

"Yea, I think you're right." Harley could tell that Ivy knew something was up, but she was willing to put it off until morning. She could tell that the redhead was not happy, however.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

It was still in the wee hours of the morning as a fully dressed Harley grabbed her duffel bag and crept past the rows and rows of plants towards the front door. She wasn't wearing anything special- just a red hoodie and a pair of blue jeans. Her hair was down rather than in her trademark pigtails. She was just about to grab the doorknob when she felt a small feline brush up against her leg.

Meow.

Harley bent down and scooped up Sprout. The little plant-hybrid kitty had been a gift from Ivy on her last birthday. His normally green, grassy fur had turned a lovely shade of red that blended into orange and yellow. It was early December and his plant-like 'fur' apparently changed with the seasons. He purred into the blond's arms as she hugged him and kissed him. "Now, you take good care of, Ivy while I'm gone. I'll miss my little green booger." She punctuated her statement by planting a kiss on his head before she put him back on the floor.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Ivy awoke with a start. Something was wrong. Everything felt off somehow. Her babies were trying to tell her something... She didn't need to look beside her to know that Harley wasn't there. She snatched back the covers and tried to fight her sinking feeling. She stalked out into the living room. There was a note on the coffee table. She snatched it up.

_Dearest Red,_

_I have to go away for a while. I need time to think. It's not you, it's me- REALLY, it's me. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything, but I don't think we can be together. I'm a terrible person for hurting you again. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day._

_I'm so sorry,_

_Harley XOXO_

Ivy wasn't sure what to do. Should she mope around the hideout as usual when Harley stomped on her heart? Or should she go on a killer plant rampage? There were so many ways to express her emotional upset. Carton of ice cream? Or plant-themed crime spree?

"God damn it!" Ivy shrieked as she flipped the kitchen table and tossed it against the wall angrily.

Sprout flinched at the sudden display of violence and darted into the greenhouse.

She was starting to cry. _Again_. What if Harley had wanted to stay? What if she was in danger? Maybe the Joker was coming for her again and she thought she had to hide to protect Ivy? Maybe she had read Harley all wrong. Ivy scoffed at that notion. No, if anything, Harley was happily following her Puddin's orders just like always.

But Ivy was still uncertain. They had been through so much in the last year… and Harley had demonstrated more than once that she was no longer affected by the clown. Ivy needed to confront her. Ivy needed closure, she couldn't sit in the house wondering about it forever. Ivy snatched her car keys and left.


	2. Annoying Acquaintances

Chapter 2: Annoying Acquaintances

"How in the hell do you know where I live now?"

It wasn't quite the greeting that Harley had been hoping for. She rocked back and on her heels anxiously as she stood in the shabby hallway just outside the door to Selina Kyle's apartment. "Sometimes Mistah J had me spy on you when he wanted me out of the hideout for a few hours."

"Did he now?" Selina made a mental note: time to relocate.

Harley glanced around nervously and lowered her voice, "Yea, but that's not why I'm here."

"What do you want?" The raven-haired woman crossed her arms. Harley showing up at her hideout felt like a violation, especially considering her inhumane treatment at the hands of her girlfriend, Poison Ivy. She also vividly recalled how Harley was more than happy to go along with it at the time. A few months and saving the city from destruction wasn't enough for Selina to get over her anger just yet.

"I… can I come in?" Selina was ready to slam the door in her face, "Please, Selina?" It was something about the desperation in her voice that made the brunette open the door.

The interior of the apartment was a stark contrast to the seedy exterior of the building. It was the definition of opulence and went perfectly with Selina's decadent personality. She wondered if she'd acquired any of these items legally. "You have a real nice place."

"Thanks." Selina shut the door behind her and ran her fingers through her short dark hair. She was wearing form-fitting black yoga pants and a snug gray tank top. Harley noted that she had probably interrupted the woman's workout. "So…" There was an awkward silence, "How have you been?"

"Oh, alright I 'spose…"

"I see." Selina continued, "I'm pretty sure you wanted something…"

"I was wonderin' if you could do me a favuh?"

"I don't _do_ favors."

"I mean I have some stuff that I need to sell to Penguin, but I don't wanna run into Mistah J if he's at the lounge, but I really need the money."

"Why don't you send plant girl to do it? I understand you've got her wrapped around your little finger."

"No. She's got…" Harley reached for an excuse, "Other things to take care of. I just need the cash. You can have fifteen percent."

"Forty."

"Twenty?"

"How badly do you need the money?"

The blond sounded defeated, "Thirty or it ain't worth it ta me."

"Deal."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

True to their arrangement, Selina handed Harley a wad of cash a block away from the Iceberg Lounge.

"Here you go." Selina winked.

"Lemme see." Harley tilted her head downward as she focused on counting the money. There was a lot more than she'd expected. Either Selina couldn't count or she had only taken fifteen percent instead of the thirty. "Kitty you-" Harley froze when she looked up, and was startled to realize that the raven haired woman was nowhere to be seen.

She counted the money again. She grinned when she realized Selina hadn't taken any. Harley chuckled at her fortune, "Aw, I love you too, Kitty."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Ivy's first step was the most obvious one: check every known clown hideout. She spent the majority the week driving all over town scouring every possible refuge that she knew of, but that was the problem. Joker had dozens of hideouts that she didn't know about and Harley might have intentionally gone to one of those, or even worse: _he_ might be at one of them. That was actually more likely to be the case.

Arkham Asylum had only managed to keep the Joker incarcerated for several weeks following his last arrest. However, since his latest escape he had seemed content to leave Harley to her own devices, though that was probably related to the sound thrashing he'd received from Poison Ivy. It was also possible that Harley might be somewhere else entirely. Realizing that her search was likely to remain fruitless, she decided to take advantage of the best source of information she had.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Ivy nodded at the waiter as he poured her a glass of wine. God, she needed it. Where the hell was Oswald? The longer she sat in the Iceberg Lounge the higher her chances were that she might run into someone that she- Ivy's heart dropped as she saw Joker milling around and annoying people.

He always put the other rogues on edge because his insanity was so unpredictable. One minute he could be laughing, the next minute he could be shooting. Everyone humored him and gave him a wide berth so as not to set him off. Ivy knew from experience that the Penguin especially hated him, but exercised tolerance rather than exclusion as far as the clown was concerned. It was probably safer that way.

The clown's unnatural grin became wider as he spotted the 'Vixen of the Vines' sitting at a discrete table in the corner. She took a sip of her wine and pinned him with a baleful glare. There wasn't anyone in the world that she hated more. The very idea that she'd actually had to compete with _him_ for Harley- it made her sick. If they weren't at the Iceberg Lounge she might have to kill him, but Penguin's rules were very specific about brawling in his ritzy establishment.

He swaggered over and clapped his hands excitedly, "Well! Well! Well! If it isn't Harley's favorite nanny! How is my little girl?" His inquiry immediately raised a red flag. If Joker thought that Harley was with her, then perhaps she hadn't gone to him as she assumed, or he could just be _lying_.

Ivy gritted her teeth and answered curtly, "She's fine."

He chuckled, "Yes, she is _fine_ , Ivy, I'll give her that." He smiled pleasantly, or as pleasant as his twisted maw could appear to be, "So where is she?" He glanced around with a malicious glint in his eye. He may be all smiles and jokes about Harley's 'departure', but everyone knew that he resented it. He didn't actually care about her of course, but she was _his._

Ivy just glared at him. She knew he wanted her to freak-out and cause a scene so she bit her tongue as a preventative measure. Then it was just a matter of bracing for impact. "What's the matter, Red? Why so glum?" She cringed internally as he used Harley's nickname for her. He pouted, "I see you didn't bring her with you. Sick of my girl already?" He sat down across from her and giggled as Ivy recoiled, causing her to sit up straighter. She looked like she was ready to toss the table at him, which she was. "I could have told you she was a handful, but now she's your problem."

"Mind your own damn business."

He laughed, "But Harley is my business. Like any responsible owner, I just want to make sure that my bitch has gone on to a nice home!" He was conversational, "I assume you've got her housetrained by now? She always did enjoy following commands. It's a shame that it could never translate into her doing things right. Oh well, now she can ruin all your carefully laid plans." He smiled chummily, "And don't even bother trying to have company over!" He slapped his face dramatically as he laughed to the point of wheezing, "Couldn't even have the Bat over without her embarrassing me!"

Joker was actually relieved to be rid of his stalker. She was such an imbecile. "I mean all the begging and neediness- it just drove me up the wall. I guess I'm just more of a," He winked at her. "Plant person."

The redhead's fingers dug into the edge of the table so hard that she could feel it beginning to splinter. She was considering the repercussions of murdering him. It was infuriating the way he described the blond like she was some worthless animal. Her Harley had the soul of an angel and he had corrupted her mind and abused her in unspeakable ways. She hadn't thought it possible, but Ivy managed to hate him even more.

"Say, she doesn't try to hump your leg does she? If it starts to get on your nerves just hit her a few times and she'll get the message." He leered at her as he laughed, "But you probably enjoy that sort of thing, don't you?"

" _Go_. _Away_."

He ignored her warning, "If you still have trouble with her a beating should suffice, but you have to be careful with that too, I know she loved it when I gave her a throttling."

"You son of a bitch!" She shrieked. Screw Penguin's rules! A clown was gonna die tonight! Ivy popped up from her seat. Just before she could wrap her hands around the clown's neck Penguin intervened.

"Ah Poison Ivy!" He said with false cheer as he stepped between them. His anxious smile screamed ' _not in the club!_ ' "It's so good to see you here as _always_. Why don't we discuss your business in my private office?" He gestured towards the stairs. The Joker just grinned evilly.

Without taking her eyes off of Joker she snarled at Oswald, "Fine!"

He waved at her as she stormed out of the main room. "Enjoy my leftovers, Pammy!" Her nails dug into the palm of her hands hard enough to draw blood.

As Penguin escorted her down the hall to his office he inquired politely, "So, how is Ms. Quinn doing? I heard that she stays with you now. The two of you are always welcome in my establishment." It had been a big upset in the rogue community when Harley dumped Joker for Ivy. He'd been dying for them both to make another appearance at his club.

Ivy stopped walking. He obviously didn't know that Harley had left either.

"Never mind, Oswald. I'm leaving."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Detective Montoya leaned back in her chair and stretched her arms and glanced at her watch. It was already after ten. She needed to get home already. She was just about to shut her computer off when she heard a knock on her door.

"Come in." She raised her voice.

Officer Daniels opened the door, he had a blank expression on his face. "There's someone here to see you, ma'am."

"Send them in."

Expecting this to be a routine meeting, she was more than a little shocked when notorious eco-terrorist Poison Ivy stepped inside and closed the door behind her. It took a few seconds for it to register because her skin tone wasn't its usual green hue, but it was definitely her. The abnormally bright green eyes and crimson curls gave her away immediately. Pamela Isley was a woman not easily forgotten.

Montoya was out of her seat and her hand went right for her gun.

"Wait!" Ivy put a hand up, "I'm not here for violence."

Montoya watched her like she was a grizzly bear, just waiting to swipe her head off at the slightest provocation.

"How the hell did you get in here?"

Ivy raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"You kissed Daniels? You assaulted a police officer!"

Ivy purred, "Oh please. A kiss is hardly an assault. And besides, he should have been more leery about why a woman that was so obviously out of his league would even want to kiss him in the first place. Men are such fools." Ivy said dismissively as she sat down in the chair across from her desk. She motioned to Montoya's chair. "Why don't you have a seat so we can have a civilized conversation?"

The officer blanched. Who the hell was this woman to offer her a seat in her own office? "You've got some nerve coming in here."

"I know that there aren't any active warrants for me so don't bother making threats. I remember my deal with Gordon and have been keeping my end of the bargain."

The brunette was baffled. There were other detectives she could have gone to. "So why me?"

"We…" Ivy shifted in her chair. "I believe we have a rapport."

Montoya was incredulous, "I booked you twice and that's how you define a rapport? Sweet Jesus, no wonder they sent you to Arkham." She sighed and sat down, "So what could Nature's Chosen Protector want from a detective?"

"I'm looking for someone..."

"You and me both…" The brunette muttered, "So did someone steal your petunias? Or did some kid step on your lawn?"

She hissed dangerously, "This is serious!" The detective put her hands up and listened. Her demeanor changed from anger to concern. "Someone is missing."

Montoya leaned back in her chair. What a story this was going to make. She knew she should have left at seven like she'd planned too. "You just can't find them? Or are you suggesting that they're missing? I'm not trying to be a smartass, but those are two different things."

"I can't find Harley."

Montoya sat forward immediately, "You're looking for Harley Quinn?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Her tone was accusatory.

"Because…" Ivy blushed, she didn't want to reveal too much about her personal life. Although anything was really too much as far as Ivy and the GCPD was concerned. "I'm concerned for her safety."

The detective crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. She eyed the plant woman suspiciously, "Why so concerned?"

The GCPD only knew that Ivy and Harley had worked together on a few crime sprees for a brief time. They didn't really know much beyond that. "She's Joker's girlfriend. You think he did something to her?"

It was out of her mouth before she could stop it. "She's _not_ Joker's girlfriend!" She snapped angrily.

Not the reaction she was anticipating. The brunette blinked at her. "Ooookaaay." She nodded, "Did Quinn leave the Joker?"

"Yes, it's been several months actually. Nearly a year if you count our time at Arkham."

"Wait, wait, wait a minute." This sounded all wrong to Montoya. "So you're telling me that Quinn actually left," She said the word as though it were foreign to her, " _Puddin'_?" The blond's terrifying obsession with the Joker was well known.

"That's what I just said," Ivy spoke through gritted teeth, "Are you deaf as well as dumb?"

Montoya ignored the dig. Conversing with Pamela Isley was to be insulted frequently. "How do you know this?"

Ivy wasn't sure how much she should say to this woman or whether or not she could be trusted, "Because we live together."

"You live with the Joker?"

Ivy was deeply offended, "Ugh! Don't insult me!"

"So you live with Harley?" It was making a little more sense now. Just a little.

"It would be more accurate to say that Harley lives with me."

"And how long have you both lived together?" The wheels in Monotya's mind went to work on that bit of information. Roommates or girlfriends? Criminal plot gone awry or messy breakup?

"How is that relevant?"

"Look, I'd ask you no matter who you were. This is a basic question."

"She's been staying with me off and on for some time. Whenever she couldn't take his abuse anymore she'd come stay with me."

The brunette's eyebrows rose as she accepted that bit of information. That was news to the detective. "How long since she came to live with you on a permanent basis?"

"Several months." Ivy continued, "Then she left a little more than a week ago and I can't find her."

"Isn't she probably with Joker?"

She replied through gritted teeth at the mention of that monster. "No. He thinks she's still with me." And the evil clown would have relished rubbing it in her face if she had gone back to him.

"If she willingly left there's nothing I can do about that. It isn't against the law." Monotoya grumbled, "Not like manipulating police officers…"

"Can't I file a missing person's report or something?!"

"If you thought foul play was involved, yes, but from what you've described it sounds like she just… ditched you." Montoya braced herself for impact, but surprisingly, it never came.

Ivy actually looked a little sad. "I've already considered that. It wouldn't be the first time she's done this. But it was different in the past. Something is off this time. Her note was not very forthcoming."

The brunette crossed her arms and rolled her eyes, "She left you a note? Jesus, Ivy, wake the hell up. She's not missing. She just left you." Definitely a messy breakup…

She snapped, "I don't care! I want to talk to her. Can't you put out an amber alert or something?"

"She's not a minor, Ivy, and she hasn't been kidnapped. If she wanted to leave you there's nothing we can do."

"Oh for the love of- she watches the Cartoon Network and The Wonderful World of Disney all damn day. That's got to count for something!"

"Sorry. Being childlike isn't the same as being a child."

"Then what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Well, Ivy, you're not the first person to have a woman leave you. Why don't you do what the rest of us mere mortals do: have a drink and cry yourself to sleep. Now get out of my office before I have you arrested."

Ivy stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Ivy climbed up the ladder and moved across the roof of the police department towards the large spotlight. "I can't believe I'm actually doing this..." She muttered as she pulled a nearby lever. The spotlight clinked to life, casting the bat signal on the perpetually overcast Gotham night sky.

Ivy waited for what felt like three hours, in reality it was really only ten minutes. She started slightly when she heard a familiar grappling sound.

"It certainly took you long enough!" She grumbled towards the shadow.

The voice was hostile and accusatory, "Poison Ivy!" Robin crouched into a fighting stance. "What are you doing here?"

Ivy snarled at the young man, "Damn it! Perhaps you were unaware, but this is the _**bat**_ _signal_ \- I want to speak to Batman not his intern!"

Ivy spun on her heel when she heard the deep, serious voice that she recognized as Batman. "Beggars can't be choosers."

She crossed her arms in annoyance and completely ignored the boy. "It's about time you showed up."

"What are you up too?!" Robin exclaimed from behind Ivy.

"Tell the birdbrain to go away. I need to speak to _you_." She demanded imperiously.

"It's okay, Robin."

"Are you sure-"

"I'll be fine."

Robin turned and grappled away to give them some privacy.


	3. There's No Place Like Home

Chapter 3: There's No Place Like Home

Ivy paced back and forth as she used the Dark Knight as a sounding board. "Do you know how humiliating it was? Do you? Poison Ivy sitting in a stuffy waiting room at the Gotham City Police Station!" If they had been two normal people Ivy would be sobbing on his couch while he tried to console her. They weren't normal, however.

"Ivy."

"And did you know she said they couldn't do _anything_ about it?"

"Ivy."

"I mean, really!" She huffed and gestured to Batman, "It's no wonder Gordon needs some schizoid that runs around on rooftops dressed up as a giant rodent to do his job!"

"Ivy!"

" _I can't find her!_ " If Ivy had been a small child, this would have been where the tears and rolling around on the floor in outrage would have occurred. However, Ivy managed to remain relatively composed and she even avoided crying in front of Batman. Thank goodness for small miracles.

"I don't understand what you expect me to do about it."

She yelled, "I expect you to find her! Haven't you been listening to anything I've been saying?!"

Batman resisted the urge to cover his ears at her shrill tone. He decided it was probably best to humor the maniac. "Let me rephrase that, Ivy. Why should I care if Quinn left you? She does this all the time, if I'm not mistaken."

"What if something happened to her? What if she's hurt?"

"She's probably with the Joker. Go knock on his door and ask."

"No! I know she's not. And I don't want to alert the other rogues that she's missing."

Batman sighed. He really did have more important things to worry about. "Has it occurred to you that maybe she's hiding from you? Maybe she doesn't want to be found by _you_?" Batman could certainly appreciate any desire to avoid the green woman, perhaps Quinn wasn't completely crazy.

She spoke in clipped tones as she barely contained her frustration. "No, something _is_ wrong. I know it."

He tried to think of something to placate her. Walking to the edge of the roof and pulling out his grapple he said, "Look, if I hear anything I'll let you know, but at the moment I have a spiraling crime rate to worry about." He grappled away without sparing her another glance.

"Fine." Ivy shouted at his retreating form, "Then go on! I don't need your help anyway."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Catwoman was waiting at the top of the Wayne Enterprises building in their usual meeting place. She was able to see most of Gotham City from her vantage point and it was an unusual treat because tonight there was no snow and the sky was actually clear for a change. She was enjoying the stars when she heard a familiar grappling sound.

She listened for his usual monotone, "You wouldn't believe what just happened."

"We have a clear night for once." Selina smiled, far more interested in romance than hearing about someone's criminal escapades.

"Poison Ivy turned on the bat signal."

That definitely caught her attention. She turned on her heel to face him, "Poison Ivy? Ha, that's a laugh. Did she try to kill you?"

"No, Robin got there first. She demanded to talk to me so I came over." Batman was so still that the only thing that she could make out in the darkness was the vapor generated by his breath as he exhaled into the cold.

"What did she want?"

"She can't find Quinn. Speaking of which, you wouldn't happen to know where she is, would you?"

Selina shrugged, "Isn't she usually with Joker?" Selina wasn't sure if she should say anything about Harley's visit. The bouncy blond had clearly wanted privacy for whatever reason. However, it did surprise her that she had intentionally left Ivy out of it. The rogue had seemed troubled, maybe she did need help... Or maybe Ivy wanted to destroy her. Considering the plant woman's terrifying bipolar-esque mood swings there was probably a 50/50 chance of that.

"Ivy seemed pretty adamant that she wasn't with the Joker. Besides, there was something else about her..."

"Like what?"

"Do you think they could be involved?"

"Involved in what?" Selina played dumb as she studied her nails. "I can't say they tell me about their elaborate crime sprees."

"No, I mean are they... lesbians?"

"Oh!" Selina's mouth formed an 'o'. "Rumors have been flying about those two for years. Especially Ivy, what with the whole 'I hate men and am obsessed with saving the earth and my best girlfriend who doesn't really want me' thing. I could ask around if that's what you're asking..." She lied about that one too, though she wasn't sure why. She just felt inappropriate revealing her fellow rogues' personal lives to their sworn nemesis.

"She just seemed _genuinely_ worried about her," Batman managed to actually sound surprised. "At first I thought they'd fallen out and Ivy wanted revenge or something, but thinking back I'm not so sure." Batman studied her a little too long before speaking. "Just tell me. After dealing with Ivy I'm not really in the mood for games."

Catwoman grinned, "Aw… You're no fun sometimes. But yes, they are a 'thing', if you must know." She batted her eyelashes at him and said playfully, "So would you approve?"

Batman blushed slightly at the innuendo in her tone. "Well, they haven't done anything illegal lately… that I know of anyway. I know it was certainly the most awkward encounter I've had with a rogue to date." Being ranted at by Poison Ivy about her personal problems and the ineffectiveness of law enforcement was not something he ever could have fathomed in a million years. She had seemed so human. It had been a strange night to say the least.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"Wow." Selina drawled after she opened the door to her apartment, "Why am I so not surprised?"

"We need to talk." Ivy demanded.

"After I heard that you went to see the GCPD _and_ Batman, I figured it was only a matter of time before you zeroed in on little ole' me." The raven-haired woman chuckled as Ivy stalked into her apartment, completely uninvited.

"You _know_ about that?" Ivy's normal flesh tone became a rosy pink color. Then she rolled her eyes, "Oh wait- I nearly forgot who I was talking to. How could I forget that your Batman's little informant. Of course, he would have told you. I'm sure it was just a matter of politeness since you were undoubtedly selling out your peers at the time."

Selina glared, "Well, I guess I can't sell you out since you aren't my peer anymore what with your dealings with cops. Even I can't boast that kind of hook up."

"Cut the crap. You know I'm looking for Harley. Yet again!"

"And believe me when I tell you that I don't know where she is."

"And you haven't seen her?"

"She did come to me a while back. She asked me to move some items for her at the lounge. She didn't want to go in herself."

Ivy paced back and forth, noting that Selina had excellent taste when it came to decor. "She needed money?"

"Looks like."

Ivy's anger was replaced with genuine concern, "Did she… say anything? About why she needed the money? I don't understand why she left. She could have just asked me. I could have given her money."

Selina sighed, "No, she didn't say what it was for and she didn't indicate that she had left you."

"I see." Ivy said tersely. "Well…" Ivy was obviously experiencing some discomfort at what she was going to say next, "Thank you, Selina."

Selina blinked, "Wow, don't hurt yourself."

The redhead rolled her eyes and showed herself out of the apartment.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Ivy was lounging on her couch as she absently listened to the weatherman's predictions. It had been months since Harley had vanished. _Months_.

It was March now.

She could have been anywhere at this point. Occasionally Catwoman would provide her with a lead or two, but they hadn't panned out. She could tell that even Selina was concerned by now. It wasn't like Harley to do this, not for this length of time. Maybe she was hiding out with the Joker. Maybe she was dead or vacationing in Bermuda. Who knew?

 _Meow_!

Sprout leapt onto the back of the couch and tried to climb onto her head, his little claws snagging in her red hair. "Ugh! No kitty… Bad… kitty! Ow!" Ivy managed to pry his paws off of her head as she set him on the floor. He was still young, but he was no longer the tiny kitten he used to be, now he was a plump cat of average size. His fall colors had long gone and his fur was a green, grass-like growth with a few small white flowers beginning to bloom. He was starting to reflect spring. Ivy was relieved at the change- his winter coat had been dead foliage and he had proceeded to shed flecks of it all over the house.

Ivy realized that she had forgotten to feed him his second meal. He let her know how much that displeased him by hissing irritably. Getting up from the couch, she went into the kitchen and proceeded to prepare it.

She muttered tiredly, "Yes, yes, I'm sorry I forgot."

_Mrow!_

"Yes, I know Harley wouldn't forget these things."

Harley had always been the superior pet parent. Ivy was so accustomed to feeding her plants every few days that she would frequently forget about Sprout until he reminded her.

Meow.

"Well she isn't here, is she?!" Ivy set his food and water dish on the floor beside him.

He sniffed it and stared at her. Ivy was pretty sure the cat was glaring at her.

Mow mroooow.

She snapped at his critical tone, "No, she spoiled you with too much junk food. That's why you've gotten so fat."

Meow!

"I may not be as fun as Harley, but at least I'm still here!" Gaia, how pathetic was she? Arguing with an inferior intelligence- a cat, for crying out loud! She sighed, at least it was a step up from the usual arguing she did with some of her more judgmental plants. Ivy stalked back over to the couch and sat down. She grabbed the remote and began thumbing through the channels absently as she wondered about the bubbly blond. Harley had told her how she felt about most of the other rogues in passing conversation, and she knew for a fact that it was unlikely she would have sought out any of the others beyond Selina.

Ivy had considered reaching out to the Riddler for a time- that fool loved riddles. Maybe he could solve this one. Ugh, it was more likely he'd just blab and tell all her business to the others. He was such a chatty Cathy when he visited the Lounge. Batman had been virtually no help. "Some detective he is", Ivy grumbled.

She eventually gave up channel surfing as a green kitty leapt into her lap and rolled over on his back to stare at her expectantly. Apparently he had put aside his exasperation at her feeding inconsistencies so that Ivy could meet his daily quota of pettings. Ivy rubbed his tummy distractedly as she noted that _The Wizard of Oz_ was on. Harley loved this movie. She could tell it was about to go off as a very pink Glinda informed the rather idiotic Dorothy that all she had to do was tap her shoes together to magically go home. The redhead rolled her eyes as she thought back to their last escape from Arkham.

Glinda.

Ivy practically leapt out her seat at the revelation much to Sprout's alarm. Why hadn't she considered this option earlier? It would have made everything so much easier.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Zatanna stepped over to her hot tub and hit the button for the air jets. Placing her wine glass beside the tub, she was just about to dip her foot in when she heard an odd noise coming from the direction of her plants. A planter with various exotic flowers and shrubs lined an area beside the tub. She inspected them carefully for bugs (she hated spiders!), upon finding nothing, she discarded her blue silk robe and tossed it near the side of the pool, revealing a blue bikini beneath. Gathering up her long ebony hair, pinning it on top of her head, she waded into the Jacuzzi, shuddering as the heat began to work on her tired muscles.

Grabbing her wine glass, she proceeded to take a long gulp, downing its burgundy contents before setting it back down. She rested her head at the edge of the Jacuzzi and closed her eyes as the air jets did their magic on her lower back. Her eyes popped open when she heard a rustling sound again, this time it was much louder.

She waded over to the nearby vegetation and shifted the assortment of plants, searching for the source of the noise.

"What the heck is that?!"

"Hello Zatanna."

The witch froze as it took a moment for the identity of the familiar voice to register.

"Or should I say Glinda? I am the Wicked Witch after all."

"Poison Ivy?" Her expression was calm, but her voice belied her surprise. She was able to make out the form of a face- Ivy's face, which had been formed out of numerous leaves and branches. It appeared to be some kind of freakish plant spell and was reminiscent of many possession spells she had studied. Zatanna pondered this until the plant effigy spoke again.

"Yes. It took me some time to find you."

"I guess I should be disturbed that you were even looking."

The effigy grinned evilly, "It was clever- that memory trick you used on the staff. I always tried to do something like that with toxins, but it just killed them instead. Bravo, dear. We're more alike than I initially realized."

Zatanna rolled her eyes in disgust. That she had anything in common with this woman was revolting to her on so many levels. It was bad enough that Ivy had somehow been unaffected by her spell- perhaps it had something to do with her plant physiology, but then again it did lend credence to Zatanna's theory that Ivy was more a magic user than a mutate. Either way, any reminder of Arkham was unwelcome in the extreme.

"We are nothing alike, murderer." She all but snarled the last word.

"Ha! Do your little friends in the League know about your brief stint in Arkham?" Zatanna glared daggers at the plant face. "I didn't think so. What do you think would happen if they found out?"

"I won't be blackmailed by the likes of you."

"Uh oh. Someone's getting defensive."

Glowering, Zatanna got to the point, "I know you didn't contact me to chat. So what do you want?"

"Yes, well I was thinking about how I helped spring you out of Arkham. I recalled that you owe me a favor."

Zatanna was laughed incredulously, "Owe you? You may have facilitated my… exodus, but I assisted in yours too." The rogues wouldn't have done a damn thing for her if there wasn't something in it for them. The circumstances surrounding her imprisonment had been wrongful, clandestine, and embarrassing. The latter being her primary reason for not wanting anyone to know. Zatanna was loathe to think that Ivy might actually think of her as one of _them_ now. The very idea was repugnant.

"You. Owe. Me."

"I owe you nothing!"

The moment Zatanna finished that sentence she found that her own plants had turned against her. Some creeping vine that was part of the planter had managed to wrap itself around her neck and arms. It seemed to be growing exponentially, its strength growing along with it. 'Definitely magic!' Zatanna thought as she desperately tried to think of a way to counter the vines. Before she could utter a single word she was thrust into the Jacuzzi and submerged. After an amount of time that her lungs found intolerable, her upper body was unceremoniously yanked above the surface. Taking advantage of this brief respite, the good witch gasped for breath, before she found herself dunked under water again. She was pulled above the waves again and held in place.

She was prepared to cuss Ivy into another universe, but instead she coughed and took advantage of this opportunity to breathe. She managed to pant out between breaths, "What… do you… want… from me?!"

"I need you to locate someone."

"Who?"

"Harley is missing. I think she's in trouble."

"Have you tried checking the _jails_?" Zatanna chuckled, "She's probably rotting in prison like she should be."

"You will help me!"

"No!"

Ivy seemed genuinely confused by the witch's hostility, "Why won't you help me? You're a member of the esteemed Justice League- isn't it your _job_ to help people?"

"You're a criminal!"

"So?"

"She's a criminal too!"

"And? You helped us before, Zatanna. I really don't see what the problem is."

"That's because you're insane. You're ability to see reason is severely impaired."

"And yet you still helped myself and countless other lunatics escape to terrorize Gotham. But then, of course, there was something in it for _you_ , wasn't there? Where is your inner pragmatist now? You sorely need her."

"Is that so?" Zatanna snarked, "So what's in it for me then?"

The effigy chuckled, the sound was strange and ethereal coming from something with no true vocal cords. "You're life."

"Screw you, bitch!"

As expected, Zatanna found herself pulled beneath the water, yet again. This time she had an idea. Ivy might be sadistic and cruel, but she needed something and that meant she wasn't going to risk killing her, even accidentally. She waited for the hybrid to yank her head out of the water again. As soon as she took a breath she quickly muttered 'burn them' in reverse to cast her spell, "Nrub meht!"

A few shrubs near the effigy went up in flames, Zatanna was careful not to burn down her home. Just enough to reign the plant fiend under control.

"No!" The large vine-like plants that were holding the ebony haired woman immediately relinquished their grip and went about splashing a considerable amount of water onto the flaming shrubbery, eventually dousing the flames.

Zatanna took the opportunity to wade to the other side of the tub and hoist herself out. She moved more slowly than she would have liked, the lack of oxygen and struggling with the plants had taxed her strength considerably. Moving through the water felt like wading through Jello.

"Oh, no you don't!"

Zatanna was just barely free of the small pool when she felt a plant appendage wrap around her ankle, causing her to trip. The vine tugged her towards the pool as Zatanna tried to dig her fingers into the tile to keep herself from going back into the water. She sincerely regretted decorating her home with so much foliage- even if she went into another room, Ivy could manipulate those plants too. There was also the issue of burning down the house…

The raven haired magician growled, "If I help you…" The vine stopped tugging, "If I help you, then you must promise to never contact me again. We are done. Permanently!"

"Ah, there's your pragmatist! Now that wasn't so hard was it?"

The woman scowled at her effigy as she stood up.

"I have to say, Zatanna, I expected you to be more helpful and I certainly expected you to be more polite." Ivy had the nerve to complain as though she were reporting a negative customer service experience.

"And I expected to enjoy the evening in my hot tub without being threatened or water boarded by my own plants…" Zatanna sighed as she realized that arguing with a flawed logic like Poison Ivy's would be like arguing with a wall- or a _vegetable_.

"You crime fighters are so sensitive sometimes."

She snapped, "Do you agree to the terms or not?!"

"If your info is good, you will never hear from me again."


	4. Finally!

Chapter 4: Finally!

After pulling her collar up and tightening her green scarf, she crossed her arms over her long brown overcoat, partly to stave off the frigid air and partly to appear less conspicuous. It was very cold today, and Ivy's plant-like proclivities made her avoid it whenever possible. At Zatanna's rather hostile recommendation, she now found herself in a crumby part of town; though in all fairness, much of Gotham could be described that way, but this was exceptional. It wasn't the worst part of the city, but it was only just a step up.

Observing the numbers on the buildings, Ivy walked towards the brick tenement that matched the address she'd received. She was just about to cross the street when she caught sight of a familiar blond in the distance. Ivy stared, paralyzed by her feelings. It was definitely Harley. She'd recognize those pigtails anywhere. She felt so many emotions: anger, disappointment, joy, relief.

At least Harley was alive.

Pamela must have been standing there with her mouth open for several minutes because she heard a gruff smart aleck voice say: "Take a picture, lady. It'll last longer." Jolted from her reverie, Ivy turned toward the source. It was a homeless man. He was digging through the trash looking for what she assumed to be plastic bottles. At least _someone_ recycled in Gotham.

Forgetting him as quickly as he'd forgotten her, Ivy quickly glanced both ways before she hurried across the street towards the shabby tenement she'd seen Harley enter.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Harley was struggling with her grocery bags and the key. After finally getting it out of her pocket she pushed the door open and made her way inside. She placed the bags on the small counter in the kitchen and was about to head back over to shut the door when she was suddenly overcome with intense feelings of guilt. No, wait- that wasn't guilt!

"Not now!" Harley made a dash for the bathroom. She could feel a bout of morning sickness coming on. Whoever decided to call it 'morning' sickness obviously didn't know what the hell they were talking about. Harley was game to vomit at all hours. Fortunately it wasn't as bad as it had been earlier in her pregnancy, but it still crept up on occasion. She had barely made it to the toilet this time and she was lucky she didn't nail her pea coat.

After Harley brushed her teeth she took a good look at herself in the mirror. Apparently, she did look as tired as she felt. Maybe leaving had been a mistake. Harley hadn't exactly been known for making good decisions throughout her life. Ivy would know best, right? God, she missed her. She let out a sigh and made her way back into the living room. She should probably shut the door before some creep found their way in.

Before she could make it half way across the living room to shut said door, she noticed that it had already been closed. "What the heck?" Harley squeaked. Crime was a reality in this part of town. She glanced around the apartment frantically. Harley froze in shock when she finally noticed the still figure standing right in the middle of her living room. It was Ivy. She was just a few feet away and judging by her expression she was fuming. Harley instinctively pulled her coat shut and crossed her arms to make her bump less visible.

"Red?" The blond ventured carefully.

Was the Joker here? Ivy was wondering if that repugnant little buffoon was going to pop out at her at any moment. She tossed a piece of balled up paper at Harley's feet. "What the hell is this, Harley?" Harley recognized it as her hastily scrawled goodbye note.

Her voice consistently began increasing in decibels until she was yelling. "You promised you'd never leave me and not only did you do just that, but you don't even have the _decency_ to tell me to my face! You say it in some ambiguous note as though I were an afterthought. Aren't I at least worth a fucking paragraph?!"

Harley logically shrank away from her outburst. She tried to interrupt, but it wasn't possible at the moment. The furious goddess closed the distance between them until she was practically screaming in the blond's face. "You told me just a week before you left that you've been happier than you've ever been! And now what? It suddenly can't work? Well then tell me, Harleen! Tell me what the hell is no longer working for you! I've been looking all over for you! I thought you were dead!"

Harley stood her ground. Ivy needed to say this and she had every right to be upset. If she had been anything like the Joker then Harley would already be dead or in critical condition. Harley said gently, "Pamela, please-"

It was unbearable the way Harley said her name. "Don't!" Ivy's rage broke on her words like a wave against the shore. Tears ran freely down her face as she backed away from the blond.

Harley pleaded, "Please, lemme explain."

Her rage had morphed into sadness as she was now sobbing uncontrollably. She paced back and forth. "I've heard it already. I can't hear it anymore! He's going to kill you, Harley. Do you want to die? Or maybe you do enjoy the beatings. Is that what I need to do to keep you? Do you want me to beat you!?"

Harley's hands found their way to the top of her own head as she resisted the urge to give into despair. Everything had become so screwed up. "I didn't go back to him, Red."

Ivy laughed angrily as she tried to wipe away her own tears with the back of her hands. "Oh, I know. You just wanted to get away from me! I get it."

"Listen-"

"No, _you listen_!" Ivy's long finger was pointed at Harley's chest. "This is your last chance. If you want to be done with me- fine. But I never want to see you. I don't want you crawling back to me again. I can't do this anymore, Harley. I deserve better." Ivy hated the sound of her own voice. She had become so weak and pathetic all because of the woman standing before her. She always said these things to Harley every time she'd left and she'd always taken her back anyway. She hated what the blond had done to her.

Harley closed the distance and grabbed Ivy's hands. The redhead's first instinct was to immediately shrug the woman off in anger; a part of her even wanted to strike her, but she held off long enough to let Harley get a word in.

"I'm pregnant."

Ivy stood frozen and unblinking. If Harley hadn't known any better she'd think the woman was imitating a tree. That or she was having an out of body experience. After several seconds, intense green eyes focused on blue ones.

The redhead took a step back and stared at her. The blond reached down and pulled open her coat, revealing her bump. Harley was definitely pregnant. Harley's odd behavior suddenly clicked in Ivy's brain. Ivy's gaze moved up to the blond's face. She also looked pale and thinner than usual. She could see the bags around the other woman's blue eyes. Her entire countenance just seemed tired. Harley's eyes begged Ivy for something, anything, but she wasn't sure exactly what. Acceptance? Forgiveness? Understanding?

"Red?" She braced herself for the tirade that she knew was on its way.

Ivy sucked in a deep breath. This was it. Ivy was _ready_! She was going to cuss Harley out so badly that the Joker would feel it! She still had so much to say. So she said, in a much gentler tone than she'd intended, "Harley."

The blond's eyes were already brimming with tears. Ivy moved over to her and wrapped her arms around her and held her tight. She moved her hand up to stroke the blond's head. Harley rested her head in the crook of Ivy's neck and cried. Well, that certainly wasn't the way Ivy had imagined their reunion going. She'd pictured everything from angry sex to cream pies and plant mayhem, but not this.

She sounded dejected, "I'm pregnant, Red." Tears welled up in her eyes as a fresh batch of them ran down her rosy cheeks. "And I dunno... what I'm gonna do." Harley spoke in between hiccupping sobs. "I was afraid to tell you. I'm so ashamed."

Harley desperately studied Ivy's face for some kind of response.

"Oh, Harley." Her voice had softened, but still held a hint of chastisement in it. "Did you think I would stop wanting you? Did you think I'd stop loving you?" The blond avoided her gaze. Ivy reached up and stroked her face. "I could never stop loving you." Ivy kissed her on the lips gently before touching her forehead to hers. She added with a hint of sarcasm, "Believe me… I've tried."

The assurance was a balm on her soul. She felt an incredible weight lift from her shoulders. "Thank you," she said through sobs, "I don't deserve you." The two women embraced for several minutes as their fears ebbed.

Ivy was the first one to break the silence. "I'm going to say this once." Her voice cracked with emotion as she held Harley tightly. "Don't you _ever_ do this again."

Harley realized she'd been so wrong to keep this from her. She had been so wrong to leave. "I'm sorry I panicked, Red. I only meant to go away for a few days, but then I was afraid to come back." Ivy kissed the blond's forehead and pulled back. She took both of Harley's hands and held them tightly.

"Now come home." _Are you insane!?_ Ivy's inner voice shrieked. She needed to finish giving Harley a piece of her mind. She needed to stand up for herself more. Ivy silenced that bitter little voice. She'd already debased herself in front of the police. She'd debased herself to Batman by giving him even a hint that she was capable of caring for others. Her street cred was officially obliterated. Begging Harley to come home was far from beneath her at this point. She was already at rock bottom. She might as well set up shop and let her roots burrow all the way down...

"...You're not mad anymore?" Harley was reluctant. She knew from experience that Ivy's cooldown period was usually at least several days to weeks, or in Batman's case: a few years _._ She'd expected a few objects to be broken at the very least.

Ivy's eyes were moist. The calmness in her voice betrayed her actual feelings. "Mad? No, Harley. I'm not mad. I'm furious. Mad cannot even begin to describe the way I'm feeling."

"I'm sorry-"

"Are you?" Ivy was still calm, but her rage was clearly boiling just under the surface, "Do you even know what that means? Do you know what it is to be 'sorry'?" Ivy hissed.

"I do, Red."

"Then why do you do it? Why do you do this? Every time you leave you just tell me how 'sorry' you are and that's supposed to make everything better."

Harley raised her voice, "I know! But this time..." She calmed down; she didn't need this to lead to more screaming. She didn't have the energy for it. "This time is different."

Ivy stared at her baby bump. The redhead's voice sounded more tired than anything. "Is it really that different, Harley?"

"I-"

"I don't want to hear it." Ivy cut her off.

"Dontcha wanna talk about this summore?"

Ivy shook her head, "I can't hear it. Not right now." Ivy quickly changed the subject and bombarded her with questions. "Have you been taking care of yourself? You look awful. What have you been doing about money?"

Under any other circumstances Harley would roll her eyes whenever Ivy's voice took on that 'motherly-control-freak' tone, but in her situation the concern was a relief.

"I had some cash hidden away at old forgotten hideouts that the Joker don't use no more. And I sold a few things."

"Have you been to the doctor?"

"Yea, I went there first after I left," She looked ashamed, "I haven't been since though."

"Well, we're going right now."

The blond pouted, "Red, I'm just a little tired is all."

Ivy snapped, "You're supposed to be getting bigger not smaller. God damn it, Harley. Quit bullshitting me about your health!"

Her voice was pleading, "I just need a nap- I usually take one about this time. Lemme lay down for a bit, wouldja?"

Ivy said in an authoritative tone. "Harley, I'm not asking."

The harlequin rolled her eyes at her lover's pushiness. She pulled her hands away and sighed. "Well, lemme put the groceries away first…"

"No, we'll just take them with us- all of your things since there's no reason for you to stay here." Ivy took in her surroundings with disdain. This apartment was a hole. The water from the tap alone was probably hard enough to break a window and she didn't even want to know where that mildew smell was coming from. It was an appalling environment for anyone, let alone someone in Harley's condition.

Harley couldn't' believe how accepting Ivy was being. It was out of character for her to be so forgiving. "Red? Are you sure you're okay with this?" Harley touched her belly.

Ivy shrugged and sighed, "I want _you_ , Harley. And if you come with a baby then that's just something I have to accept." Ivy was ashamed to admit it, but no matter what Harley did she would always take her back. She needed her the way she needed water and sunshine. She could cheat a thousand times and Ivy would still take her back. The redhead rolled her eyes. Unconditional love was a cruel master.

"But I-"

"I'll take care of it, Harley." Ivy waved it off and said in an exasperated tone, "Now stop worrying."

Harley had never felt the need to be the one in control. No, on the contrary she preferred to follow whenever possible. It worked out very well that Ivy was a complete and utter control freak- that way they rarely conflicted about anything because Ivy usually got her way and she didn't have to worry about making the blond uncomfortable. They complemented each other perfectly.

"Now get your things so we can go."

Harley mock saluted, "Yes, _Sir_."


	5. Homecoming

Chapter 5: Homecoming

Ivy glanced impatiently at her watch as she sat beside the examination bed that Harley was perched on. Harley was wearing a white hospital gown and swinging her bare legs as she waited for the doctor. They had gone to a free clinic, one that wouldn't have access to Harley's previous records. It would make it easier for them to stay under the police's radar. Despite their deal with Gordon, the rogues preferred to air on the side of caution as far the GCPD was concerned and had used a moniker for Harley.

"…I had to decide what I was gonna do, Red."

"This is a relationship, Harley. There's no 'I' in relationship!"

"There's two 'I's, Red."

"Exactly! And two I's form a team!"

"Okaaaay…"

"Don't be a smartass!" There was a tense silence before Ivy complained, "What's taking them so long?"

"I didn't have an appointment, Ivy. They're fittin' me in." She wanted to say 'duh', but she realized that Ivy was not in the right emotional frame of mind to tolerate a ribbing.

The redhead could see the goosebumps on Harley's bare arm. "I don't see why they have to keep the room so damned cold. It's not Victor Fries' kid." Her eyes locked on Harley and narrowed dangerously, "Right?"

Harley chuckled nervously and said nothing as Ivy griped about everything. The grumping was worse than usual and Harley knew it was because she was upset with her, but she'd take Ivy's griping over shrieking obscenities and random acts of plant-themed violence any day of the week.

Harley rubbed at the crook of her elbow where a white cotton ball was taped to her arm; they'd sent her to the labs before sending her to the examination room. "Ivy. Promise you won't yell at the doctor."

The redhead scoffed, "When have I ever yelled at a doctor?"

"Every time I've been in the hospital."

"Oh, I wasn't yelling, Harley. I can't help it if my voice can be heard all the way down the hall. I just have a voice that carries."

Harley sighed.

The door opened and a matronly woman in a white lab coat came in. She had kind eyes, "Hello ladies, I'm Dr. Hadley. I'll be giving Ms. Quentin her ultrasound and checkup this afternoon."

"Hi." Harley waved shyly. She felt a bit awkward with Ivy in the room, but the redhead clearly had no intention of letting Harley out of her sight. Harley supposed it was her own fault for being so dishonest with her. She shook hands with Harley and then extended her hand to Ivy, who just stared at it in annoyance. Harley smiled apologetically. The doctor shrugged and moved over to grab a pair of gloves.

"So Ms. Quentin…"

"Call me Helen." It felt altogether too strange to be called 'Miss' right before she was felt up by a stranger in front of her girlfriend.

"So Helen, have you been having any pain or discomfort?"

"Not really… sometimes I feel really dizzy though. But there were a few times when it hurt a lot."

"Where was it?"

Harley moved her hand over the side of her bump. "Was it a cramping?"

"It was a shooting pain, but that was a while ago and it stopped." It was as though even Joker's offspring wanted to destroy her. Was it going to be born with laughing gas? She felt like it was trying to kill her.

"Okay." The doctor was moving her hands under Harley's shift. Ivy stared at the wall out of politeness.

"Helen, you have a lot of scars on your body. Some of these are surgical. Are you missing any organs by chance?"

"I had to have part of my spleen taken out a few years ago." That was the Joker's doing. "I have one kidney." Also Joker.

"Are there any medications that you're currently taking?"

Ivy tuned out their conversation as she thought about when Harley had become ill back in Arkham; she had been terrified that she might lose her.

"…You're definitely underweight, Helen. I'm going to give you a shot to boost your immune system before you leave."

Dr. Hadley moved away from Harley and took her gloves off. She sat down in front of a computer. "I can see from your blood work that you do have a mild infection. You have to be very careful and get plenty of rest. Your system is under strain. Have you been under a lot of stress lately?"

Harley shrugged, "Maybe a little…"

"Yes, you have, _Helen_." Ivy crossed her arms and stared at the blond as she spoke. "She's also been in an environment that is damp and moldy." This was obviously Ivy's way of rubbing in the fact that Harley had abandoned her again.

"Thanks, Red." The blond was annoyed now too.

"Well, I hope that her living conditions are going to improve." The doctor said in earnest.

"Oh, they are." Ivy was on a roll, "Her diet has also been questionable and I doubt she's been getting adequate sleep."

"Uh oh, I'm not getting good reports, Helen." The doctor said in a slightly amused tone. The redhead was obviously a concerned party. A couple maybe? She'd ask, but she didn't want to risk offending the hostile redhead if her gaydar was having an off day.

The blond crossed her arms too and stared back at the redhead. "Alright, Helen, it's time for your ultrasound."

The doctor walked over to the bed and turned on some equipment. As she was facing away from the doctor, Harley stuck her tongue out at Ivy who arched an eyebrow in response. She had a very superior look on her face. The kind of look that made the blond want to strangle her. It was the 'Harley, you're an idiot and you couldn't live without me' look. Joker had a similar expression. Although she supposed Red was right, Harley was a mess without her, and that was probably the real reason that it irked the blond. She was so dependent on the person she was with. At least she could always trust Red to look out for her.

"Alright, Helen, I just need you to lean back."

Harley did as she was told and tried to maintain some semblance of decency as she lay back on the stiff little bed. Ivy got up and walked to the side of the bed so that she would have a good view of the screen. Dr. Hadley moved the device beneath Harley's gown.

Harley's eyes bulged. It was one thing to know it was there and feel it kicking, but seeing it was another thing entirely. This was the first time since her hiatus from Ivy that she felt genuinely excited about anything.

"Oh…Wow." The blond's jaw was hanging open slightly.

Ivy was quiet as the reality of the situation became even more acute.

The doctor spoke up, "Would you like to know what the sex is?"

"Yes!" Both of the women said simultaneously.

The doctor chuckled, "Congratulations, Helen, you're having a baby girl."

Harley grabbed Ivy's hand and grinned excitedly. The blond's smile was contagious, and feeling her irritation from before evaporate; Ivy smiled back and squeezed her hand. The redhead was very relieved it was a girl, not just because of her personal feelings about men, but this way she was more likely to look like Harley than _him_. That was yet another talk Ivy needed to have with the blond, but for now she would just enjoy this moment with Harley.

"When's she comin' out, Doc?"

"Well, based on your size and the baby's development I'd say you're around six months- three more to go."

_Three months!_

Ivy winced internally. That wasn't much time to prepare for… whatever they needed to prepare for! Babies needed certain things and her hideout wasn't exactly family friendly. Ivy's inner obsessive compulsive immediately began creating a mental checklist of things she needed to buy and things she needed to do- and how in the hell was she supposed to childproof a giant venus flytrap?

"You hear that, Red?!" Harley bubbled. The tears were happy this time. She had been so worried that something was going to be wrong with it. Joker's kid was bound to have an air horn or something equally crazy going on in utero.

Ivy offered her a small smile and nodded, "June."

"Yep, mommy's little Junebug!"

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"Ready to head home?" She asked Harley. The blond yawned in reply. "I'll take that as a yes."

Harley's bag was in the backseat of the car. She hadn't taken many belongings when she'd left Ivy so packing up had been pretty simple. Dealing with Harley's slimy landlord had been a different story, however. Ivy felt like she needed a shower after suffering the grimy man's presence. He was too disgusting to kiss so she had just thrown the money at his feet and stormed off.

"The doctor is right, Harley, you need to take better care of yourself."

"Yea, yea. I get it, Red. Enough with the lectures I heard the doctor too." The blond said sleepily.

Ivy gave her a pointed look, "I should hope so."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Ivy scowled menacingly as she crossed the threshold into one of corporate America's most lucrative strongholds: the Foodmart; it smelled like produce, something sweet, cardboard, rubber, and air. She despised it utterly; the fluorescent lights were too bright, the floors were too shiny, and the staff was too friendly. The faster she got what she needed the faster she could flee this abomination to the natural world.

Normally she would just grow her own fruits and vegetables easily enough; however, she didn't have as much of a variety as she'd like at the moment and Harley would be eating more than usual since Ivy was resolved to 'fatten her up'. For once, Ivy wished she'd invested more time into edible pursuits than creating deadly venomous mutant-flowers. The redhead recalled the shopping list she'd thought up as they drove over from the clinic. She was actually at the store to pick up Harley's prescription from the pharmacy, but she'd thought of so many other things she'd probably need too, produce being one of them- and a few packets of tomato and carrot seeds wouldn't hurt…

Ivy realized she'd probably need a shopping cart so she grudgingly collected one from an area beside the doors. She tried not to think about how many filthy human hands had touched this same handle. She assured herself that it would only take a few moments of patience. As she made her way to the produce section, she passed the floral area- brutally murdered flowers boldly displayed everywhere! The redhead's knuckles turned white as she gripped the shopping cart. The only thing that had kept Ivy from doing something regrettable (in the legal sense) was reminding herself that Harley didn't feel well and was waiting in the car. Oh, how fortunate these horrible miscreants were!

Now that she was in an even worse mood than before, she hurried about bagging fruits and veggies as she made her way towards the trans-fats aisle. Harley would never forgive her if she came out without some sort of candy and snack food. It figures that it would be on the other side of the excessively large establishment; she could see why obesity was an epidemic if the size of this place was any indication.

As she stalked through the store she eventually arrived at the pasta aisle. She stopped and grabbed several boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese as she continued on her way to the junk section. Ivy had been trying to wean Harley off of the processed stuff and onto homemade mac & cheese, but all her attempts had been unsuccessful so far. Ivy speculated that Harley's taste buds must have been damaged at some point. So Kraft it was.

Shopping for the blond was relatively simple- if it was marketed to children then Harley would like it: fruit roll-ups, rice crispy treats, pop tarts, Captain Crunch (although even Ivy had to admit that she liked Captain Crunch too), an errant 99 cent whoopee cushion, and a loaf of bread so that Harley could have grilled cheese sandwiches. Ivy even grabbed a few cans of something god-awful made by some strange man (she already didn't trust it) named Chef Boyardee. She shuddered in revulsion as she put the 'Spaghettios' in the cart. Normally she would never encourage Harley to eat these things, but now that she was pregnant the last thing Ivy needed was for the blond to have a craving for something that she hadn't been able to anticipate. It just wasn't worth the irritation. The harlequin was already crazy without the additional hormones.

Ivy chuckled at the items in the cart. Harley was going to be a really fun mom. Wow. Ivy shook her head at the thought. It was difficult to think of Harley Quinn as a mother. In Gotham _anything_ was possible it seemed. Ivy would probably end up being the disciplinarian parent, otherwise, the child would be spoiled rotten. That, or end up injured after one of Harley's horribly irresponsible pranks gone wrong. The Hatter was still recovering from the last one.

Ivy tried to pretend she hadn't just thought of herself as the 'other' parent. Well, maybe more like an eccentric aunt or… _something_. More disconcerting was that she was actually beginning to look forward to it. Just a little anyway. She assured herself that it was normal since she wasn't able to have children- not since the 'change'. This way she could enjoy having a miniature Harley running around with little blond pigtails. The idea wasn't so bad actually. That reminded Ivy, when they got home they'd need to have the 'who-knocked-you-up' talk. She assumed that it would be Puddin's, but she'd wait for Harley to confirm it. She'd just got Harley back and she didn't want to overwhelm her. Ivy didn't really want to talk about it yet either. She was still getting over the pregnancy itself.

As Ivy moved through the store with purpose she failed to notice that she was being followed. He kept his distance and observed with extreme interest.

She stopped and grabbed a package of diapers since they were on sale- buy one get one free. As she placed them in the cart she noticed a small child standing next to her mother. She stared at Ivy and smiled shyly. Ivy smiled back. Oh god, she was smiling at other people's offspring- if she stayed in this place any longer she might end up doing something awful like mooning over infants! It was time to leave.

After spending far too long shopping, Ivy found a box of Red Vines and Gummie Worms and tossed them in the cart. Finally! Why there had to be at least fifty different brands of everything was beyond Ivy. How the hell was she supposed to pick a box of cereal when there were hundreds of them? Stupid Corporate America- making her buy far more than she intended. A trip to the cash register and she could finally be free of this place.

It had been nearly an hour and it was starting to get dark out. Ivy wondered if Harley would complain, but as she got back into the car she realized that the blond was still asleep.

"Harley?" The redhead whispered carefully, "Harley, are you awake?"

Without breaking her sleep the blond stirred and muttered, "Monkeys?"

Ivy smiled affectionately as she started the car.


	6. Blabbermouth

Chapter 6: Blabbermouth

Harley had slept in the car for most of the way home and went to bed after she ate and took her medicine. She had offered to clear the plates, but Ivy had insisted on doing it. She could tell that the blond was still wary of her. It was obvious that Ivy was still upset. Ivy wouldn't hold it against Harley forever, but the blond didn't need to know that; she could sweat it for a while.

Harley was snoring lightly as Ivy climbed into bed and snuggled up to her. It had been too long since she'd held Harley. She was almost afraid to go to sleep for fear that Harley would be gone when she woke up.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

_The same night…_

Edward Nygma had a spring in his step as he strolled into the Iceberg Lounge. He couldn't wait to tell his fellow rogues about this conundrum. Yes, that's what it was. Poison Ivy at the supermarket? He hadn't seen any pigs flying. Catching sight of Two-Face and several others, he made a beeline for the bar.

" _Eddie_." He stopped and spun around when he heard a sultry voice.

He smiled mischievously, "Selina! How are you?"

She sauntered over to him with a positively amused expression. She was wearing a deliciously tight low-cut black dress; the cut was the _first_ thing he noticed, her facial expression the second, followed by the expensive designer pumps and exquisite jewelry that she was unlikely to have obtained legally. She purred seductively, "I'm fine, Eddie. But you… You're up to something…" Her catlike eyes studied him intensely. "I just _know_ it."

Edward felt dread at the look he was receiving. He felt like a ball of yarn that she might decide to destroy on a whim. "I have some interesting bits of information. I thought I'd share it with the others." There was a glint in his eye, "You won't want to miss this. Trust me." Then he turned and headed for the bar.

Selina raised an eyebrow and followed him over.

The Riddler strolled up to the bar and announced loudly, "I have a riddle that will trump all of you- the riddle of the decade to be exact!"

Two-Face rolled his good eye. He hated being interrupted when he was moping about his latest defeat at the hands of Batman. "Shut it, Nygma," Two-Face muttered as he continued nursing one of his two drinks. He hated his silly puzzle games. Riddler was in his thirties- grow the hell up already.

"Oh, I think you'll want to hear this juicy bit of gossip. I ran into someone at the grocery store the other day. Someone you won't _believe_."

Taking a sip of wine, Scarecrow chuckled and said, "Let me guess, Edward. You actually found a woman that thought you were attractive. I know I'd never believe that!" Everyone laughed at Riddler's expense. Edward's grin became a tight-lipped scowl as he felt the dig.

Harvey grumbled, "Well considering how we've all got to eat, I think I'd probably believe it." He had ended up in a convenient store himself the other day when he realized he was out of ketchup. He decided to rob it while he was there too. It really had been a 'convenient' store.

Clayface turned on his bar stool to face Riddler. Having taken on the form of an unassuming suit-wearing man, he blended in well with the other clientele; he also had an easier time fitting through the front door. "Well you have my attention, Edward." It's wasn't like he had anything better to do than listen to gossip. The entire point of hanging out in a den of criminals was to hear the 'word on the street'.

Penguin was standing on the other side of the bar as he had been speaking to Clayface before Riddler appeared. Killer Croc listened to the exchange with mild interest as he waited for Riddler to drop his bomb.

"I ran into our dear friend Poison Ivy at the Foodmart!" Edward wrung his hands gleefully. He was going to be Mr. Popular for at least the next fifteen minutes. Selina, who had been standing slightly behind him, rolled her eyes. God, Edward could be so needy. It was pathetic.

Harvey choked on his scotch as his other personality took over. "Pammy? In a _grocery store_?" Everyone knew the eco-terrorist's views on corporations. They'd always dreaded her visits to the lounge because once she got going she'd never shut up about it.

Clayface laughed, "You're kidding!"

Penguin scoffed, "So? I fail to see how this tidbit is news worthy. She was probably buying something for her plants. They do have a garden supply section, you know. I doubt the Old Bird wastes time trying to make her own planters and shovels for god's sake."

Two-Face tipped his drink towards Croc, "What do you say about that?"

Killer Croc replied gruffly, "I say it's bull. Ivy wouldn't be caught dead in a Foodmart unless she was plannin' on blowin' it up."

Eddie paced near the bar, grinning like the Cheshire Cat as he basked in the attention. "I'm not bullshitting. I saw her! Red hair, perfect figure, scowls and all!" He gestured excitedly.

"Did she try to blow it up, Edward?" Scarecrow inquired nonchalantly.

He shook his head. "Nope!" Eddie was as giddy as a schoolgirl. "She had a shopping cart and everything. She even _paid_ for it! No kissing the clerk."

Harvey continued, "Did she seem like she was up to something?"

"I don't think so, but here's where it gets even weirder…" He leaned against the bar and whispered conspiratorially. He had their rapt attention. "I followed her discretely for a bit. And then I saw her buy," He paused for dramatic effect and laughed loudly. "You'll never guess what I saw her buying!"

"What?" Scarecrow snapped.

Eddie gestured animatedly, "You have to guess first!"

"Tampons!" Two-Face blurted. The other rogues laughed. Selina rolled her eyes, but even she had to smile at that one, especially since Ivy did seem to be locked into a permanent state of PMS.

"Plants?" Clayface offered.

"Nope."

"Pot?" Killer croc tried.

Penguin snorted, "They don't sell cannabis at the Foodmart, you nitwit."

He shrugged, "Could be that medical stuff. They got a pharmacy." Penguin rolled his eyes at the stupidity.

Riddler chuckled, "Wrong and wrong again."

Two-Face scowled at him, "If you don't tell us we're gonna break your head open like one of Ivy's watermelons."

"Okay, there's no need for violence," Eddie put his hands up and recoiled slightly. Smiling broadly, he announced, "She was buying diapers!"

About a minute of stunned silence went by as they all digested that information. Two-Face spoke up first, confusion was evident in his voice, "So uh… are you telling us that Pammy suffers from incontinence? She seems a little young for that…"

"No, you imbecile!" Eddie snapped, "She wasn't buying adult diapers she was buying the kind for a baby!"

Clayface laughed, "Well, last I heard she's shackin' up with Quinn. Maybe Harley needs her diapers changed every once in a while. Ya know, in case she gets excited and has an accident!"

"Bahahahaha!" Penguin quacked, "The Joker did always refer to Ivy as 'Harley's nanny.' The silly dodo!"

Croc grumbled thoughtfully, "Or maybe since they're two women and they've, ya know, got like two biological time clocks tickin' simultaneously, and they uh… have this compulsion to have kids… or well I mean like… lay eggs. Kinda like I feel compelled to be in the water." Everyone stared at him. He shrugged and became defensive, "What? I think it's pretty apparent."

Selina was disgusted, "The only thing that's apparent is that you've never been with a woman before."

"Hey! I've been with lots of dames." He argued defensively.

Selina's eyes narrowed, "Not if that's what you're calling us."

Two-Face said in disgust. "Lizards don't count, moron." Harvey, his other personality said rapidly, "What the hell are you even talking about?" Two-Face resumed his threats, "Shut the fuck up before we roll this coin all over your scaly dumbass."

"What the hell is your problem?" He shouted at Two-Face.

"We find your stupidity offensive!"

Selina was no fool. She remembered what Batman had told her about Ivy. She remembered the desperate look in Harley's eyes when she had asked her for help. She knew what had happened in that warehouse. It was time to do a little bit of damage control before one of these drunken idiots tried to engage in some deductive reasoning.

"So Eddie, did Ivy look pregnant?"

He looked thoughtful, "Um… No, actually." He cleared his throat, "I mean she didn't _look_ pregnant, but that doesn't mean she _couldn't_ be."

Selina reiterated loudly and nonchalantly, "So, _Ivy is pregnant!_ That's interesting."

Two-Face threw back another shot and shook his head somberly, "I feel sorry for that shmuck. I wonder if she ate his head afterwards."

The others had settled down and were whispering quietly, but they were drunk and their interest was waning.

Catwoman titled her head and turned on her most charming smile, "Eddie, would you be so kind as to walk me to my car?" She extended her arm. One glance at her face and he realized she wasn't asking.

As soon as they stepped out of the club they were struck with the cool Gotham night air. It smelled like it was going to rain. As soon as they were clear of the crowds Selina's charm was gone and she was all business, "Did you see Harley?"

He shrugged. "No. She wasn't there. What is this about?"

Selina was getting impatient. For all the Ridder's boasting he had never impressed her as actually being very smart when it came to common sense, but since he would inevitably come to the same conclusion she had, Selina knew she needed to have a 'talk' with Edward before he ran at the mouth again.

"Ivy's a plant-human hybrid." He stared at her blankly and nodded, " _Think,_ _Eddie_ \- a plant-human hybrid that is possibly sterile and hates men. So she's probably not going to let one slip her any. Did it occur to you that maybe Harley is the one who's pregnant?"

He shrugged noncommittally, "Who cares? I thought she left Joker." It's not like he cared about Harley in particular. This was about Ivy stepping off her high-horse to patronize 'a weapon in the arsenal of corporate greed,' not Joker's moronic ex.

She rolled her eyes, "Yes, she's left Joker, but it's been less than a year. You don't usually buy diapers during the first trimester. Would Ivy step into a grocery store for _anyone_ else?" His eyes widened like saucers at the implication. "Yes, now you see where I'm going with this." Suddenly her hand was around his throat and her long finger nails were digging into his flesh uncomfortably. She could feel his pulse quickening in her vice-like grip as her eyes flashed dangerously. She snarled, "You have a very _big mouth_ , Eddie! I hope your desperation for approval from your peers was worth the damage you could cause with this!"

"It's not so bad, I mean-" He gasped for air and futilely tried to pry her hand off of him. How the hell was someone this thin so strong?

"Right now they suspect that Ivy is pregnant and you're going to let them think that. If Joker found out that Harley was pregnant what do you think would happen to her? Or to the baby? Assuming of course that there even is a baby!" She released him and he eagerly took a step back, face flushed, as he rubbed his sore neck. Riddler's style was not the confrontational sort and he had found himself quite intimidated, more due to her attractiveness than the actual physical violence. He blushed with embarrassment.

Her tone was less angry, but still forceful. "I've always thought of you as one of the more decent rogues, Eddie. So I'm asking you to keep your mouth shut about this."

Riddler wasn't stupid, he knew that 'asking' meant 'telling'. It was common knowledge that Selina was a professional cat burglar, but he wasn't sure whether or not she was also a killer and he had no desire to test her on it; something about the look in her eyes told him that she had comfortably crossed that line at some point. He dusted his sleeves off, "Yea, you're right Selina. I'll let them think it's just about Ivy."

Selina nodded and started walking the direction of the parking lot. "I didn't mean to… ya know..." He really wasn't a bad guy, he was just criminally insane and had severe dependency problems where Batman was concerned, but he wasn't trying to cause problems for Harley. He wouldn't wish the Joker on anyone.

"I know, but the damage is already done. All we can do is try to mitigate it."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Harley yawned as she entered the kitchen and switched on the light. It was quite rare for her to be up before eight, but she had gone to bed early the night before and found herself quite hungry. Noticing that it was a bit drafty downstairs, she walked over to a nearby hall closet and opened it. Dawning a robe, she was just about to shut the door when she heard a noise. She let out a loud yelp when a green ball eagerly leapt into her arms.

 _ **Meow**_!

"My sweet baby!" Harley snuggled the feline as he purred affectionately. "Somebody's gotten so big!" She held him up to get a better look at him. He was his usual green self with large patches of tiny white flowers budding randomly along his torso that gave off a pleasant fragrance. "I'm surprised I didn't see you till this morning, Mr. Sweetsmelly."

Moowwwrrr.

"It isn't Red's fault if you fell asleep in the closet again. She didn't know you were in there!"

He responded with a hiss that that resembled an annoyed huff.

After feeding the cat, Harley opened the refrigerator and was pleasantly surprised by Ivy's shopping selections. Normally Harley had to do all the grocery shopping unless she wanted to be slowly converted into a vegan. The blond grinned when she saw the bacon. All she wanted, no- _needed_ was a bowl of Captain Crunch; she had been craving it for the last half hour.

She sat down at the table and was just finishing up her cereal when Ivy took a seat across from her. Ivy was as naked as possible without actually being naked, which was always weird to Harley, but not weird enough to complain because she did enjoy the view. She had her leafy bikini set on, which really just looked like plant themed lingerie, and her light green skin was largely exposed. The only piece of clothing she was wearing was a white silk dressing gown that stopped mid-thigh. She made no effort to keep it closed. Ivy looked like she should be lounging beside a pool and sipping a cocktail instead of sitting at the breakfast table.

"Hiya, Red!" She sounded much more like herself today.

"Morning Harl." She eyed the blond, "How are you feeling?"

"Better." On so many levels, she wanted to add.

Ivy nodded, "You look a lot better."

There was an air of awkwardness that Harley immediately picked up on. Ivy was fidgeting in her seat for one thing.

"Somethin' wrong, Red?"

"No. It's just that we still need to talk." Ivy glanced at her bump.

Harley pushed her empty bowl away and sat back in the chair as she braced herself for impact. "Okay, Red. Whatcha wanna discuss?" She asked, but she had a pretty good idea.

"So..." Ivy drummed her fingernails on the table nervously. She stopped as soon as she realized what she was doing. "So the doctor told us that you're about six months along." Harley nodded, but remained quiet. Ivy's expression was unreadable as she studied her. "I assume it's Joker's?"

Harley shrugged. "Who else? I may be alotta things, Red, but I've nevah been a tramp."

Ivy studied her nails as she tried to hide the fact that this conversation bothered her immensely. "When was the last time you two...?"

"During the hostage situation." Harley stared at the table. "He… He took advantage. It's happened before."

Ivy snarled and slammed her palms down on the table.

"I'm sorry."

Ivy put up a hand as she collected herself. "Don't apologize. Please. It's not your fault, Harley."

"Okay." Actually, it was her fault. Harley would never have been in that position if she'd refused to help the police. She would forever blame herself.

"But you're telling me that you haven't been with him since the hostage incident?"

The blond couldn't help being offended, "Of course not, Red! Give me a little credit."

Ivy would give her just a little. "And there hasn't been anyone else?" She didn't want to find out that Harley had cheated, but if she had been with someone else she wanted to hear it from her- before Ivy went berserk, of course.

"Nope."

Ivy scowled.

"Whatsamatter?" Most people were relieved when they found out that their lover had been faithful.

" _Think,_ Harl, we've been together for longer- well not counting your recent… absence. So that would mean that it's been over six months since you've been with a man."

"Um, but that doesn't make sense, Red."

Ivy said hotly, "No, Harley, it doesn't."

The blond shrugged and replied honestly, "I don't understand what you're sayin.'"

"When you found out you were pregnant and left me, we had already been together for about four months since the hostage situation." Ivy watched Harley's face carefully, "It took me nearly three to find you again. The doctor says you're six months along. So you must have been three months along when you left. Do the math."

Ugh. Harley hated math- anything but that. Word problems had always been her kryptonite. She tried to lighten the mood. "Ew, Red, you know how I feel about math!"

"There's at least two weeks _missing,_ Harley. Nearly a month if the last time really was during that hostage catastrophe. You couldn't have been pregnant immediately after."

Harley hadn't considered that. She'd been a psychiatrist not an obstetrician. The blond really didn't know what to say to that.

"I didn't cheat on you if that's what you're getting at." The blond crossed her arms defensively.

Ivy knew she hadn't, they had spent the majority of their time together and Ivy's hideout was in the rural outskirts of Gotham, just left of B.F.E. "Harley I-"

"Red?"

"Do you think," Ivy felt silly, but she couldn't help the small ray of hope, "That it could be mine?"

Harley leaned forward and grabbed Ivy's hand and said sympathetically, "No, Red. I don't." She wished with all her heart that it was Ivy's, but even she had to be realistic.

Ivy pouted, "I'm being serious. I'm not entirely human anymore."

Harley removed her hand and leaned back in the chair. "Meaning?"

"I can't have children like you. I'm sterile. I have been ever since the change."

It pleased Harley immensely that Ivy wanted the baby to be hers biologically, but she had to stop her lover before she started kidding herself about it. "Well then the doctor was off by a few weeks, Ivy. That's all. You said it yourself- two weeks minimum. Doctor's don't know everything, Red. I was a doctor," She smiled happily and gestured to herself. "And look at me!"

She could tell Ivy was about to argue so she stopped her. "So is that all you wanted to discuss?"

Ivy just nodded; she could tell Harley didn't even want to go there.

Harley stood up and was about to walk away when she paused and turned to Ivy, "So if you got me knocked up does that mean I'm growin' a watermelon in my stomach now?

Ivy rolled her eyes, "Oh, Harl…"

She asked innocently, "It ain't gonna bust outta my chest like in that movie, is it? Because I would _really_ hate that, Red. Just so ya know."

"Harley, I'm trying to be serious here." Ivy was exasperated. Then on seeing the look on the blond's face, she said, "You're not kidding are you?"

Giggling and leaning over, she kissed Ivy on the nose. Ivy's irritation instantly dissipated under her attention. Reaching out to cup Harley's face she brought her down a bit further for a kiss on the lips.

_**Briinng!** _

The two women started at the unfamiliar sound of their land phone. No one _ever_ called them. Not even telemarketers.

_**Briinng!** _

Ivy got up as the phone demanded her attention. She knew it would be Catwoman; no one else had their number. Snatching the cordless phone from its stand, she greeted the woman testily, "Yes?"

"Well hello to you too!" Selina said with mock enthusiasm. Then she became more serious, "Is she okay?"

Ivy's demeanor immediately changed. Picking up on her reaction, Harley mouthed the words 'what's wrong?'

"She's fine. How did you know?"

"You were spotted at the Foodmart the other day."

"By whom?"

"Riddler."

"Damn it!" Ivy raised her voice.

"Yea, and he-"

"Just couldn't wait to blab and tell everyone in the entire universe!" Ivy simmered with rage at the idea of her street cred taking a hit in any capacity. Ivy had risked being seen in so many rep damaging places and scenarios already: the police station, talking to Batman, going stag to the Iceberg Lounge… It was a damn shame to think that her carefully crafted reputation for despising corporate everything may have been destroyed by that blabbermouth in the span of less than an hour.

Harley became concerned, "What's goin' on Red?"

Covering the receiver with her palm, she quietly reassured Harley, "Riddler saw me at the Foodmart." The blond rolled her eyes as she understood exactly what that meant.

There was an awkward pause before Selina continued, "He also saw what you were buying." There was more silence, "So I take it Harley is expecting?"

Ivy sighed before asking for clarification, "So _everyone_ knows that?" Ivy said 'everyone' but there was really only one person that concerned her.

"No, just Eddie and I. The others think that you're the one that's pregnant."

"I see."

"I also had a 'talk' with Riddler. He shouldn't be a problem anymore."

"Dead?" Ivy's voice had a hopeful color to it.

"In your dreams." Selina laughed.

"I suppose it was too much to hope for."

"It'll be okay, Ivy." Or so she hoped, "So how did you find her anyway?" Selina had asked around town and managed to come up with nothing. Harley really knew how to disappear when she wanted.

"You could say I used a little magic."

"Magic?"

"I asphyxiated Zatanna until she complied."

"Wow! I guess there's a reason you make the cut for Arkham. Well, I hope she isn't the vindictive sort." _'Like you'_ , Selina thought to herself.

"I don't think I have to worry about that." After a few more minutes of small talk Ivy handed the phone to Harley. "She wants to talk to you."

The blond grabbed the receiver, "Hullo. Yea, I'm okay. How are you, Kitty?"

Realizing that Harley and Selina's conversations were typically lengthy and loaded with gossip, Ivy headed downstairs to spend some time in her basement laboratory until they finished.


	7. Making Plans

Chapter 7: Making Plans

Ivy had just come up the stairs from her basement lab when she was crushed by an exuberant Harley who showered her with kisses. Pulling back, Ivy made an effort to reconnect her brain with her body.

"And what was that for?"

"I saw the diapers and the books, Red. You're sweet."

"The diapers were on sale. They're biodegradable. And the books… well, at least those trees won't have died in vain." Ivy grumbled feeling embarrassed. Her explanation was met with another kiss. Now she was really glad she'd bought the books.

"So…" She was almost afraid to ask. "How did your chat with Selina go?" What if Selina had blabbed and told her that she had gone to the police- or even worse- to the Rodent to find her?

"Good! Did you know that Deadshot fell of a skateboard and broke his am tryin' to outrun the feds?"

Ivy rolled her eyes at the stuff her peers got themselves into. "A skateboard? How humiliating."

"Oh! And there's some guy callin' himself 'Catman' now."

Ivy let out a bark of laughter, "Oh, yes- I have heard about that one! Yet another Batman wannabe, but with a cat fetish. Did Selina ask the Rodent how he felt about _that one?_ "

Harley threw her head back and laughed. "Yea, she said he'd just get really uncomfortable and kept tryin' to change the subject!" Harley's laughter suddenly quieted and she became serious.

"What's wrong?"

She smirked and put Ivy's hand on her bump. "She's kickin' up a storm."

Ivy smiled, "About that… Harley, would you like to sign up for a Lamaze class?"

The blond didn't look very enthused, "I dunno, Red. I don't really wanna be recognized."

"Hmmm. You make a good point." Ivy wanted to be able to do normal things with Harley, but infamy made things so hard, and it didn't help that her ex was a psychopath that had escaped from prison. "What about something online? You'd be less likely to deal with any real scrutiny and we could hide behind our computer monitor in an attempt to have some semblance of a social life like the rest of the masses."

"That might be worth a shot, Red. I'll look into it."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Despite Edward Nygma's best efforts to extinguish the flames of gossip that he had himself ignited, it had only been a matter of time before the rumors inevitably got back to the Joker. Though in all fairness he hadn't tried _that_ hard to dispel the rumors. He didn't take to social media or the news for God's sake. This was Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn- not exactly his most favorite people, though he did admittedly hate the Joker more. He was also wary of Selina's wrath should he fail to make an appropriate effort to contain the spread of dangerous implications.

Edward was sitting at the bar in the Iceberg Lounge wearing his trademark black slacks, green question mark blazer and purple eye mask. His green bowler was resting on the bar as he took a sip of his scotch. He was trying to be inconspicuous, which only served to make him appear quite the opposite as he kept glancing over his shoulder while he worked a little too hard to be nonchalant.

"Riddler."

Edward sighed and his back stiffened when he heard the familiar creepy voice of the Joker. "What do _you_ want?" He replied haughtily as though he might be addressing the help.

Grinning evilly, the clown pulled up a stool beside his, much to Edward's chagrin. Shoving his hands into the pockets of this purple suit jacket, he inquired with an inappropriate degree of affability, "How have you been these days, Eddie ole boy?"

He hated when people called him 'Eddie' especially when those people were the Joker. The only person he could tolerate calling him that was Selina Kyle and it helped that she was a stunningly beautiful woman. Seriously, she could call him 'butthead' and he probably wouldn't have the nerve to complain. Harley was another one that he was willing to let slide. Most of the women in Edward's life, if there had been any women in his life, could probably get away with that nickname. Joker, however, wasn't cute enough. As a matter of fact, he hated having to suffer the presence of this fool for any length of time.

Edward looked him up and down with the same thinly veiled contempt that he reserved for all intellectually inferior beings, "Better than you, I'm sure."

"Oh! Hahaha! I suppose you might think that. Though I did hear about your latest pummeling by the Bat- apparently the puzzles were so simple that his sidekick was able to figure them out without turning to Google!" He laughed maliciously.

Edward ground out, "Is that what you've heard?"

"I also heard that you ran into the lovely Poison Ivy at the grocery store." He face palmed comically and batted his eyelashes, his hideous face making the gesture rather amusing, "My! What a surprise that must have been!"

Edward shrugged noncommittally. He wasn't exactly surprised to find himself having this conversation or more accurately: trying to avoid it, but he knew this maniac was dangerous and it wasn't worth it to keep putting off the inevitable- not for those crazy bitches. He'd feed him the same line he'd fed everyone else and if he still figured out that Harley was pregnant (Joker was crazy not stupid) then there was nothing more he could do about it and he would be sure to convey that to Selina, if and when she tried to claws his eyes out.

Joker eyed him suspiciously, "There was also something else that I found interesting. So what is this about Pammy being pregnant?" He had a tone that indicated his skepticism.

Edward chuckled and handed him the updated line he'd been feeding the rogues about the motives for Ivy's shopping escapades, "You heard wrong. She just kidnapped a baby. You know how she enjoys her hostages." He waved off the inquiry and punctuated his statement with an eye roll, "She's blackmailing some rich guy so that he stops cutting down trees."

Violating the sanctity of Edward's personal space bubble, Joker got right up in his face. "Oh, I see how it is. That isn't what I heard you said, _Eddie._ "

Riddler rolled his eyes. As if he would let this maniac in clown makeup shake him down in Penguin's lounge of all places. He knew Joker wouldn't risk breaking the rules, not with his rapidly diminishing street cred. Riddler was chuckling as he stood up, reaching into his pocket he tossed a twenty on the bar, grabbed his hat, and winked at the Joker. "I don't give a damn what you've heard."

Joker's eyes flashed, "I think you're lying to me."

Smirking, he said dismissively, "You, thinking? Try not to hurt yourself. Or anyone else." Edward muttered the last part before he walked off without giving Joker a second glance.

Joker didn't bother following him.

Noticing that Edward hadn't finished his drink, the clown grabbed it and downed the rest, grimacing as he did so. Scotch, phew. He hadn't thought Riddler had the balls for a drink that stiff or to talk down to him like that.

Riddler had never been a good liar and it annoyed him immensely that he would lie about this. Had his reputation slipped to the degree that his peers no longer feared him enough to give him the time of day? Or at the very least offer an accurate account of someone that was as universally disliked as Poison Ivy? Poison Ivy, the self-centered eco-terrorist that made a point to bitch and nag them all until they wanted to gouge out their own eyes. Poison Ivy, whom had actually worked with the police AND the Bat to bring him down. Poison Ivy, the biggest traitor to all things criminal.

Was this because she had orchestrated the last major prison break? Was it out of a misplaced sense of loyalty? Were they under her plant spell?

She had, arguably, managed to come out on top on more than one occasion during the events of the previous year, but she'd needed the Dark Knight's help to do it and that little cat slut who was also a Batman sell out. Ugh, if there was anyone not to trust in this club it was _her._

Perish the thought!

Then it finally clicked in his clown brain: they were more afraid of Poison Ivy now than _him_. Between her plant powers, escape from the Bat, and her ability to leverage an alliance with him, something she had never done in the past, Poison Ivy had managed to achieve a whole new level of being horrifyingly manipulative, not just to civilians, but to her peers, law enforcement, and caped crusaders. She'd even manipulated stupid Harley into following her around like a sick puppy and he thought he'd be stuck with that nut for life.

If Joker had the capacity to experience emotions he might've had the decency to have hurt feelings, but he didn't have many of those. However, he did experience white hot rage with an alarming frequency. He was experiencing it right now as a matter of fact. He wasn't stupid; he knew Harley was pregnant. There was only one thing he knew to do in a situation like this: impersonate an old lady.

Taking out his disposable phone he dialed a number.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

A bored male voice answered the phone, "You've reached the Gotham City Police Department. How may I direct your call?"

A strange woman's voice came over the line, "Oh sir!" The feminine voice immediately brought to mind the image of an elderly southern bell, "I need to report the kidnapping of a baby!"

The man's voice was more animated, as the situation warranted more attention, "Ma'am, is it your child that was taken?"

"No! But I saw, I think I saw that horrible green Poison Ivy woman from the TV- and she was running with a baby! She got into the car with a blond woman and they drove away like the devil was chasing them. I can't imagine the child was theirs!"

"Thank you for letting us know ma'am, I assure you we'll look into it! Can you tell us where you saw this?"

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

To say that Commissioner Gordon was unhappy would have been an understatement. He'd already taken a huge risk by not bringing Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn in. So far they had adhered to the deal or at least they appeared too. He received semi regular updates from Batman on that matter. Opening his desk drawer he pulled out a special communicator.

"Hello?"

"Commissioner." Batman's monotone filled his office.

Gordon cut right to the chase, "We just got a tip that Poison Ivy may have abducted a child."

"A child?" He sounded skeptical. It was common knowledge that Poison Ivy generally despised children.

"A baby actually. Maybe she wasn't able to get everything she needed from flowers."

"Who is your source for this tip?"

"An anonymous woman called a few minutes ago. She gave us, what we realized is a fake name, and she called on a disposable phone. And no children have been reported missing that match the description."

"You think it's bogus."

"Honestly, I think it was the Joker. But I can't _not_ follow up on it. We do have a deal with those two and as much as I'd love an excuse to bring them both in…" They could be useful and it wasn't worth the loss of life. Sending a uniformed cop to knock on their door would be akin to sentencing the officer to death.

"I'll take a look and let you know what I come up with."

"Thank you, Batman. I don't know what the city would do without you."

Batman muttered darkly under his breath.

"Did you say something?"

"Nope."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Selina had been so deep in thought that she didn't hear Batman approach her. They were in a different meeting place on a roof in the vicinity of Wayne Enterprises. This spot was very secluded, which was doubly important since they only used this location when they met in the daytime, a significant deviation from their usual meetings, but Batman had wanted to see her urgently so she had reluctantly obliged.

"Any word on Joker?"

"No."

"Any word on Ivy?"

"Ivy?" Catwoman's eyes narrowed slightly. "I thought she had a _deal_." Selina wished that she had that kind of arrangement. Hadn't she helped save Gotham too? Of course, she'd never agree to stop stealing though… That's what she got for not demanding more from Batman and law enforcement.

He was quiet for a moment as he studied her in that annoying 'I'm profiling you' kind of way. "Have you spoken to Poison Ivy lately?"

She had a suspicious color to her tone, " _Why_?"

"Someone tipped the GCPD about her allegedly kidnapping a baby, but no children have been reported missing that would fit the age range so I was hoping you'd know if it were just gossip or…"

"Hmmm." She smiled coyly, "As a matter of fact, I just might have some info about Harley and Ivy."

"And?"

"I require payment first." She chuckled as she just knew he was rolling his eyes beneath that cowl.

"Selina, this is serious."

She sidled up to him, and running her clawed finger down his chest, she punctuated each word with a tap on his armor, "So. Am I."

Before he could complain, she kissed him passionately on his lips. After a few seconds she pulled back. Most women would have considered his lack of response annoying, but she could tell by his intake of breath that it had the desired effect on him.

" _The info_."

"Eddie- Riddler ran into Ivy at the Foodmart." She waited for his reaction.

"Ivy was in a grocery store?" He sounded appalled, "What was she doing there? Was she tampering with the produce or," He could just imagine the headlines 'Killer Cucumbers Crush Customers.'

"Relax." She put her hand up, "I hear she was just shopping."

He eyed her suspiciously. "For what exactly? If she's working with Quinn she might be making explosives-"

"Eddie told us she was buying diapers." There was silence. Then she added, "For a baby."

"She had a baby?"

"No… But Harley is expecting."

"I'm going to interrogate them." He said with purpose.

Selina blanched, "Wait- what? How does, 'Harley is expecting' translate into 'interrogation'?"

"They might have kidnapped someone. They could have hostages. Children."

"Eh… I don't think so."

"Why?"

She scoffed, "Because I called her and asked."

"How do you know she wasn't lying?"

"Because I saw Harley a few months ago." She crossed her arms as she paced around him- as if she didn't _know_ Harley and Ivy better than he did. He never shared a hideout with them for six months, "It was a few days before you asked me about her, actually."

"What? Why didn't you tell me immediately?"

"It was none of your business." She snapped. "It's not my _job_ to spy on the others for you. I help you because you're my… friend and I'd rather not see Gotham in flaming ruins, not because I'm required too. My name isn't Robin."

"What did she want from you?"

"She…" Selina hesitated as she braced for Batman's judgmental response, "Asked me to move a few items for her."

"You acted as her fence?" Batman was incredulous. "So you're a fence now, Selina? I thought you quit stealing." Batman had an accusatory edge to his tone.

' _Only in your dreams_ ,' she thought as she rolled her eyes, "No, she asked me to move it as a favor to her. Normally she'd go to Penguin, but she didn't want the others to see her at the lounge. So she asked me to do it- for a fee of course." She tapped his armored chest playfully. "I can't have people thinking I'm nice like you, Batman."

"Why was she avoiding the others?"

"She didn't say and I didn't ask. I could tell she had a lot on her mind though. She obviously needed money quick. So yes, I have no problem believing that she's pregnant without seeing her in person." She didn't bother to mention Harley's condition after the warehouse.

"Especially if it's Joker's."

"Exactly."

"Thanks, Selina."

"Still going to pay them a visit?"

"I… just need to be sure."

Selina laughed. "Well don't expect me to bail you out when you end up inside a giant venus flytrap."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Two mental patients and a baby… It was either the name of a hilarious sitcom or the title of a horror movie, and from Arkham no less- the crème de la crème of lunacy. Arkham Asylum was for the criminally insane in a _special_ way. Taking a deep breath, Batman braced himself for the conversation he was about to have.

Ivy was sitting in a chaise lounge on the back porch as she thumbed through a copy of "Gotham Gardening." She wasn't wearing much of anything as she had decided that today would be a nice day to photosynthesize since the sun had finally decided to grace Gotham with its presence. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes as a shadow with pointed ears suddenly loomed over her and stretched across the deck.

"You're in my sun." Ivy didn't bother looking away from her magazine to acknowledge the Dark Knight. Idly thumbing to the next page, she grumbled, "I didn't realize you operated during the day. No day job then? You're either rich or unemployed. Considering your gadgets I'm guessing it's the former rather than the latter." She reached towards a small table that was really nothing more than a rectangular tray that was being held upright by a thick vine. Grabbing a glass of lemonade, she proceeded to take a long refreshing sip. "Speaking of daytime, why exactly haven't you burst into flames by now?"

"You know why I'm here."

"Actually, considering that Harley and I haven't broken the law since our agreement- no, I don't. As a matter of fact, I do believe your presence is in fact a violation of our arrangement. Or has Gordon grown a backbone and changed his mind?" Her amusement gave away her skepticism regarding that prospect.

"I'm just checking in."

She eyed him dismissively, "Are you my parole officer now?"

"B-man!" Harley was startled as she came out of the house. She almost dropped her glass of lemonade. Batman immediately noticed the bump on her abdomen. Now he felt stupid for not listening to Selina. Well, this was awkward.

He spoke in his usual monotone, "Congrats."

Ivy rolled her eyes and smirked, "We're both moved by your enthusiasm."

He thought some explanation was in order, "Gordon received a call from a woman that claimed you kidnapped a baby."

That did get Ivy's attention. "Please. I have lots of babies." She gestured to her planters on the deck, and the grass and trees beyond.

"He thinks it was Joker."

"Ah. That explains it."

Harley added as she sat down on a nearby chair. "Mistah J did stuff like to do that all the time."

"Oh, Batman my dearest, don't tell me you're going to leave without having some of my Kool-Aid!" Ivy said seductively with a twinkle in her eye. Harley laughed. She could tell that Batman was probably rolling his eyes beneath that cowl.

"I'll have to pass." He turned and left. Both of the women were quiet as they watch them leave. They remained quiet until they heard the sound of his motorcycle in the distance.

Confident that he was finally gone, Ivy complained, "Can you believe the nerve of him? Showing up on our property whenever he feels like it! If it wasn't such a beautiful day I might've had to kill him."

"He scared the heck outta me." Harley said quietly, "I thought we were going back to jail."

Turning to Harley she looked her straight in the eye and said with conviction, "I will never let you go back to jail."

Batman's visit reminded Harley just how tenuous their situation actually was. What if something happened? What if they tried to take the baby away? Harley was eager to change the subject to a more cheerful topic, "So how's the baby proofing going?"

"I think I've considered just about everything. It's really just one of my giant fly traps. I'm not sure if the mesh is high enough. But on a positive note I have discussed safety with all my plants at length and they understand that there will be no consuming of infants."

That was so _not_ comforting, "Okaaaaaaaaay... I'll just keep her away from the greenhouse, Red."

Looking at Harley's rosy cheeks and the slightly worried expression on her face, Pamela wished she could do something nice for her. She knew Harley felt isolated out in the middle of nowhere with her, and with Joker on the loose there weren't many places they could go. Her eyes widened as an idea came to her. Getting up from where she had been lounging, Ivy said to Harley, "I'll be right back. I have a minor experiment that I need to check on in the basement."

Once she was in her basement laboratory, she grabbed her phone and dialed a number.

"Wow. You picked up a phone for _me._ Aw, Pamela. We aren't about to develop a rapport are we?"

Ivy rolled her eyes at the sarcasm, "Ha. Ha. I had an idea, but I wanted to run it by you first."

" _Meow_."

"I want to throw Harley a baby shower. I was thinking it could be a surprise."

Ivy pulled the receiver away from her ear at the enthusiastic squeal she'd elicited from Selina. "It'll be so much fun! She'll love it!"

"But there is a problem: how do we keep 'you-know-who' from crashing the party?"

Her voice seemed to deflate, "Oh right."

"I was thinking we could have it in the VIP room at the lounge. We couldn't really hang out anywhere else. And I wouldn't' want any of the others at my sanctum."

"True." Selina rolled her eyes. Who the hell referred to their home as a 'sanctum'? Poison Ivy apparently.

"So we have to distract him somehow."

"I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks." Hanging up the phone, something occurred to Ivy: they didn't have any friends to invite other than Selina. Well maybe not 'friends' per se, but they did have associations. Her eyes lit up as she formulated a plan.


	8. A Chance of Showers

Chapter 8: A Chance of Showers

Poison Ivy sashayed into the Iceberg Lounge with purpose. It was early in the evening so the lights were up higher than usual. At this hour it was more like a bar and restaurant than a nightclub, but that didn't change the fact that most of the rogues that she was currently seeking were already present. All of them were on a 'Most Wanted List' so it wasn't like they could hang out anywhere else.

She approached the others, who were quite predictably, glued to their barstools. "Ivy." Harvey Dent tipped his glass at her before downing it. If she was here then it was probably a good time to leave…

Oswald Cobblepot tipped his hat and grinned, though it was closer to being a sneer than a smile, "Ah, Poison Ivy. It's always such a pleasure. I'm surprised to see an exotic amazon such as yourself in my establishment at this hour. What brings you here?"

All eyes were trained on the green woman. She was standing ramrod straight with her arms folded behind her back like a soldier. She decided to cut right to the chase on this one. "Harley is having a baby shower." Then she glowered at all of them and said threateningly, "And I just know all of you are coming." Everyone froze for a moment as she moved her hands out from behind her back, expecting her to pull out a weapon they prepared to dive for cover. Instead she surprised them by revealing a small stack of envelopes. She proceeded to hand out the pink invitations as though she were serving subpoenas.

"Isn't this a chick thing?" Clayface inquired.

She grinned, "Well, then it's a good there aren't any _men_ present."

"Uh…" Two-Face shifted uncomfortably as a pink invitation was thrust into his unwilling hands. He exchanged looks with the others. "We were… uh… planning a heist for the same night actually."

Scarecrow piped up with a timbre of hope in his voice, "Ooo, I am too!"

"That's fine. The shower is in the afternoon. You'll have plenty of time to be thwarted by the Rodent _later_."

Two-Face mentally berated his other personality for that verbal misstep.

Penguin blanched and Edward Nygma looked intrigued.

"There will be free food and free drinks." Ivy added authoritatively, daring anyone to decline.

Killer Croc fumbled the tiny invitation between his large reptilian hands. He couldn't remember ever being invited to a party! He blurted excitedly, "Will there be cake?"

She nodded solemnly, "Yes. There will be cake."

"Sounds great!" He clapped his hideous claw-like hands.

Two-Face acquiesced. "Yea, that isn't so bad. I guess I could have some of the boys rob a Carters'. There's one in a shopping center a few blocks from my hideout."

"Yes, I thought the free food and drinks part would be sufficient payment for an hour and a half of your time."

Clayface's goopy face lifted into a grin as he stared into the tiny invitation, which was about to be consumed by the globs he called his fingers. "Ha!" His chuckle had a wet gloopy sound, "It's gonna be at the Lounge."

She said snidely, "Yes, that means you'll already be here, won't you? The only thing you have to do differently is bring a gift."

Scarecrow crossed his arms. "And what if I say this is stupid and I'm not going to do it?!"

Ivy smiled and said pleasantly, "Well that would make Harley unhappy. Which would in turn make me unhappy. And when I'm unhappy I come here and make all of you equally unhappy. And then Oswald loses business and you lose the only establishment that will serve you." Ivy added as an afterthought, "Selina Kyle and Victor Fries have already RSVP'd."

Penguin scowled, but managed to humor her with his typical insincere pleasantries. "Of course, we will all be happy to attend an event of this caliber!"

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Finally! All the final touches were in place- balloons, streamers, oh and the hats- how could she forget the hats!? Selina rushed over to her shopping bag and pulled them out.

"Is everything ready?" Riddler inquired. He was eyeing the food as were all the guests that had been coerced by the promise of free food and beverages.

"Just about…" Selina went about distributing the triangular pink hats. Their reception was met with much eye rolling and grumbling. "You don't have to wear it the whole time! Just when we yell surprise." Killer Croc was the exception, who eagerly accepted the proffered hat and went about the arduous task of fitting the string around his large head and snout.

"What's taking so long?" A metallic voice complained.

Selina glanced at Mr. Freeze, who peered at her critically through the transparent dome-shaped helm that made up the top part of his refrigeration suit. "Relax. Ivy texted me. They could be here any minute."

Someone's stomach rumbled loudly. "I smell da food." Killer Croc said as he leered at the large appetizer trays Penguin's staff had set out on the buffet.

Oswald hurried over to the group that consisted of Riddler, Scarecrow, killer croc, Clay face, Mister Freeze, and Solomon Grundy (of all people!). In order to avoid an awkward moment and unnecessary violence, Grundy had ended up being invited as well. Selina had been more than surprised that it had _actually_ showed up.

"Quick- someone is coming!" Oswald quailed as he hit the light switch. A cacophony of nervous 'shhh!' were bandied about until quickly falling silent as someone stepped into the room.

The lights came up and everyone yelled 'SURPRISE!'

They were all shocked to realize that instead of Harley and Ivy it was a startled Two-Face who had, in his surprise, pulled out a revolver and waved it in their general direction which made everyone dive for cover, except for Mr. Freeze, his bulky suit making 'diving' impractical, pulled out his high-tech rifle in response to the other rogue's erratic behavior.

_POP! POP! POP!_

_PLINK-PLINK_

_PEW! PEW!_

_SWOOOOOOOOOSH!_

"What the fuck!?" Two-Face yelled, dropping his gift bags to the floor, a lit cigar hanging out the good side of his mouth as he just barely dodged a freeze ray that completely iced one of Penguin's dining chairs.

Fearing for the safety of the expensive items in his establishment, Penguin shook his fist and shouted at the trigger-happy rogues, "Put the guns down you imbeciles!" Penguin ran, or his closest waddling equivalent, around quickly to inspect the damage. He growled, "I just had this place refurnished!"

"Whose idea was it to put three squad cars out front? I wasn't sure if this party was legit or just some trick to get us all busted!"

Selina rolled her eyes and crossed her arms as the annoyed man holstered his gun. "Those are to deter the Joker!"

"Well it should work!" Both his personalities griped, "You almost deterred _us_!"

Riddler scoffed, "Didn't you get the email I sent?"

"Your name was on it so I hit 'delete'."

Noticing his gift bags, Selina picked them up off the floor and offered him a party hat in exchange. Two-Face eyed the pink hat. "I'll pass. Now get that shit outta my face." Switching personalities Harvey chuckled, "Oh, I'll take one of those."

Two-Face argued with himself. "I am _not_ wearing that."

"It'll be fun."

"No!" His good hand fought with his disfigured hand until the flimsy paper hat was ripped apart.

"Damn you." Harvey whined. "You never let us do anything fun!"

"Ha! I told you it's not gonna happen." Two-Face was smug. "And no, we are not rolling a coin!" Harvey took his coin out of his pocket and dropped it on the floor anyway.

"Ha!" Two-Face laughed, "Tails! You lose."

Freeze's metallic voice complained. "Do you roll that damn coin for _every_ decision?"

Scarecrow laughed and asked mockingly, "Do I use the public restroom or hold it 'til I get home?" Everyone laughed at Harvey's expense as he picked his coin up off the floor.

Selina sighed. She had felt like a nurse for the past half hour of dealing with these Arkham people. They could make fun of Harvey as much as they wanted, but they _all_ had something seriously wrong with them. Penguin was the only one besides herself that wasn't stark raving mad. The same couldn't be said for most of the others.

She patted Harvey on the shoulder sympathetically, "That's okay, Harv, it's the thought that counts." She winked, then frowned when she noticed his cigar. "There's no smoking at a baby shower!" Selina snatched his cigar. His good eye narrowed at her as she sauntered away and added his gift to the pile with the others.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"SURPRISE!"

Harley practically leapt out of her socks as she and Ivy were accosted by loud voices yelling in unison. Her eyes wide, her mouth agape, Harley wasn't quite sure how to react until it finally occurred to her that everyone was smiling, including Ivy. 'Everyone' included other rogues that Harley was on seemingly good terms with, and with this crowd 'good terms' meant that none of them wanted her dead.

Her eyes immediately found a large white and pink banner that hung from the ceiling that said: 'Congratulations! It's a girl!' There were brightly colored streamers with colorful flags hung about the room. Under the large banner, several tables had been pushed together to form a longer one. There were also bunches of pink and white balloons tied in strategic locations around the room. There was a large buffet table that hosted several sheet cakes and a large assortment of lunch appetizers that the other rogues were obviously eager to get to.

"Is all this fuh me?!" Harley looked to Ivy for confirmation.

"Of course! I wouldn't throw a baby shower for anyone else." Ivy gave her a peck on the cheek and taking her hand, led her over to the others.

Selina rushed forward and pulled Harley into a hug. "Kitty! Oh, thank you so much for coming!" Harley returned the hug. The blond looked from Selina to Ivy and immediately made the connection. She figured the party itself was Ivy's idea, but she realized that Selina must've helped her considerably in its execution since Ivy had no patience for people whatsoever. She teared up a little, "Thanks, Kitty."

Selina winked, "It was my pleasure."

Ivy noticed the frozen chair, "What the hell happened?"

Selina grinned, "Oh, nothing worry about." She chuckled, "Boys will be boys."

After Harley mingled and chatted with her guests for a while Ivy offered her some chocolate cake. "Mhmm! You thought of everything." Then Harley lowered her voice and said quietly to Ivy, "What about Mistah You-Know-Who?" The last thing she wanted was for that lunatic to show up and ruin everything.

"Oswald had some good ideas about that. He's been blackmailing several not-so-upstanding members of the Gotham City Police Department for some time now. He had them park their cars outside the lounge and leave the lights flashing while they take an extended lunch break. Any other rogues will assume there's some sort of raid going on and avoid this place like the plague."

"Brilliant!"

"I thought so." She steered Harley toward the head of the long row of tables. "Why don't you have a seat so you can open your gifts?"."

The blond beamed, "Ooo presents!"

Most of the other rogues had already sat down and were eating or chatting. Taking a seat at the head of the table with Selina and Ivy sitting closest to her on each side, she took a look at her guests. Riddler was present and wearing his usual attire of a green suit jacket with question marks, though he had foregone his usual hat in favor of a triangular pink party hat. Some of the others were also wearing party hats including Clay face, who was in his human form of Basil Karlo (so he could fit in the chair), Scarecrow had also swapped his straw hat for a party hat- and he looked just plain strange, and even the huge monstrous form of killer croc had managed to force the tiny hat on to his comically large head. Solomon Grundy's hulking for was at the other end of the table and he sat here staring blankly as one might expect from one of the undead.

"Okay, time for presents!" Ivy announced. Taking her cue, Selina popped out of her seat and brought several over from a stack on a nearby table.

Harley clapped her hands excitedly. It was like having a second Christmas! Without prison guards! Woo!

Selina grinned, "I figure we should do the guys gifts first."

"Mine!" Killer Croc snarled excitedly, "Open mine first!"

Harley smiled and selected a plain parcel that was poorly wrapped in brown paper and a bit of twine. "This one?"

He nodded enthusiastically. Ivy schooled her expression for whatever horrors might await them inside this piteous excuse for a gift. She was going to do some serious destroying if it was some filthy dead rat he found in the sewers…

Harley carefully pulled back the paper, obviously having the same thought as Ivy. Selina had leaned as far back in her chair as possible- just in case... As Harley peeked under the paper, her look of friendly trepidation was replaced with relief.

"Oh! This is nice!" She said sincerely as she pulled out a colorful box. It was nice set of bath toys and teething rings. "Thank you so much, Croc!" She grinned at the hideous lizard man who beamed at her approval, his sharp teeth showing.

He explained seriously, "Bath time is the fun time."

Harley eagerly agreed. "Yes, it is!"

Ivy smiled. Thank god for small miracles! She would have to give the lizard monster more credit in the future.

Selina said, "Okay, what's next?"

Harley grabbed a nice silver gift box with a white ribbon and bow. She glanced at the tag, "This is from Pengy."

Oswald winked. She undid the bow and opened the box. She pulled out a colorful bird themed mobile that included (of course) penguins. Harley smiled, "Thank you, Ozzy!" He tipped his hat.

Harley grabbed another wrapped gift, a pink one. She eagerly ripped the paper off and opened the box to reveal a set of exceptionally soft baby blankets and a matching bedding set. There was also a set of playdoh and a DVD of _The_ _Wizard of Oz_.

Selina hummed with approval when she felt one of the blankets, "Whose this from?"

Clayface was in the process of chewing on some cake when he waved at them from the other end of the tables. "Oh! Thanks Bazzy they're real nice-n-soft-n-stuff!"

"Your welcome." His mouth was full, "I figured that babies sleep better on soft squishy things- I mean… I do anyway. That playdoh and DVD is for you, Dorothy. Think of the movie as an anniversary present in honor of our last escape."

"Oh, goodie!" Harley was so excited about the toy and movie that she bounced in her chair.

Edward had a hint of nostalgia in his tone, "Every kid's first movie should be _The Wizard of Oz_."

Scarecrow chuckled. "Indeed it should."

Harley regarded them both strangely, "What're you talkin' about? I'm gonna watch this as soon as I get home!" Ivy rolled her eyes. Now Judy Garland would torment her every day until the disc wore out.

Smiling, Harley's face lit up as Selina put more gifts in front of her. She grinned as she inspected two gift bags. She laughed and looked at Riddler, "I guess we all know who this is from!" The bags were both green and covered in question marks. "Hey, this one has a card."

Pulling the card out of the green envelope, she noted that it was also green and read on the front:

' _Congratulations!'_

Harley opened it up and inside it read:

' _It's a ? Conundrum!'_

And next to a large green question mark were two options: the first was the cartoonish picture of a toddler in clown make-up and a purple dress, the other was a doodle of the giant plant from Little Shop of Horrors wearing a pink bonnet with the dialogue bubble 'FEED ME!'. Harley laughed loudly at the joke as she turned it towards Ivy, but the redhead offered Riddler a solid glare.

Two-Face, who was sitting next to Ivy, managed to see the card and laughed too. "Oh, lighten up, Pammy!"

She allowed herself a small muted smile.

Harley handed the card to Selina who grinned, but remained silent. Though the twinkle in her eye made Ivy turn a little greener as she blushed. An exuberant Harley rifled through the larger of the two bags and pulled out a very nice diaper bag.

"Meow!" Selina exclaimed. She had an excellent eye for quality.

Ivy was clearly impressed too. "That is a nice bag, Riddler." It didn't even look like a diaper bag- it looked like a really sharp designer handbag made of red and black patent leather.

Two-Face said sarcastically, _"Oh my god! We're so jealous!"_

Scarecrow nodded in agreement and said calmly, "It is a rather fine bag. You could hide all kinds of explosives and nasty things in it and no one would ever suspect." The other guests nodded in approval.

Harley squealed, "Oh, Eddie, _I love it!_ "

"I'm glad." He smiled.

Opening the other bag, she laughed as she pulled out a 'Mommy's Little Genius' toddler puzzle set.

"Thank you, Eddie."

"Your welcome."

Selina brought over another gift- this box was quite large compared to the others.

Harley ripped the colorful paper off and gasped, "It's a car seat! Thanks Professor Crane!"

"I'm glad you like it, Sweetheart. Can't have the baby's safety compromised when you're in the middle of a high speed car chase."

Ivy nodded sagely, "Indeed."

"You should open mine now." Harvey said politely, just before his other personality, Two-Face took over, "Yea, let's move this along already…"

Selina handed Harley two gift bags: one of them was white and the other was black. Ivy wondered what store was selling a black gift bag outside of Halloween, but this was Gotham after all…

Harley directed her question to Harvey, "Which one should I open first?"

"Mine, please." She knew right away that it was Harvey talking; he was the one that had manners.

Harley reached into the bag and pulled out a very cute and very soft white teddy bear.

"Aw." She snuggled it, "He's so sweet…"

Two-Face complained, "Open mine already!"

"Okay, okay I'm getting to it."

Two face's black bag was quite heavy. Harley was confused, "Earplugs? You're givin' me earplugs?"

"I hear they make a lot of noise."

Ivy rolled her eyes and looked into the bag herself, "Harley can't drink beer- she's pregnant!"

Two-Face laughed, "The six pack and the earplugs aren't for her, Pammy- they're for _you._ "

" _I see_."

"There's one more at the bottom." He added.

Feeling around at the bottom of the bag, Ivy pulled out what she immediately recognized as a pistol covered in pink wrapping paper. She held it up by the end of the handle with her index finger and thumb as though she were holding up a dead rat. It figured that his gifts would be wildly inappropriate for a pregnant woman.

"Really?"

Harley, appreciative of the opportunity to unwrap anything, exclaimed with barely restrained excitement, "Open it and see what kind it is!"

Two-Face shrugged. "That's for you too, Pammy. I figured Quinn probably already has one, but I thought it would be prudent for you to be packing," He leered at her, "And I don't just mean in the _fun_ way- ya know, just in case that fucking clown shows up one of these days." He put his hands up, "I know you prefer to use your fancy plants, but all you really need for that little fucker is a bullet."

Ivy suddenly had a new appreciation for his thoughtfulness. "Harley and I appreciate the thought." And Ivy most certainly did appreciate any thought that involved the Joker's timely death.

He leaned forward and said conspiratorially, "We'd appreciate it more if you'd just shoot him. You'd be doing everyone a public service."

"Here ya go," Selina said as she put a rather large and heavy item on the table. Harley stood up, careful as she turned to avoid bumping her stomach against the table. It was covered in a nice colorful wrapping paper. Harley unwrapped the large box and gasped, "Oh my gawd!"

Ivy peeked, "A basinet- Oh and a very elegant one. Who gave you _this_?" Ivy was baffled.

The barely intelligible gruff voice of Solomon Grundy spoke up, "From me."

"Thanks so much zombie man!"

Grundy nodded with the same level of enthusiasm as Dr. Frankenstein's monster.

Ivy never in a million years imagined that she would be hosting a baby shower, let alone one for Harley of all people. And if she had foreseen that the best gift Harley would receive at said baby shower would come from a giant reanimated corpse, a zombie really, Ivy would have checked herself into Arkham voluntarily.

Riddler was more than surprised, "How did you get the money for that?"

"Grundy, have high interest savings account that's been accruing interest for almost a century." He shrugged, "Grundy pick warm tones… calmer for baby. Suggested in Oprah's magazine." Was it more disturbing that the zombie was actually literate or that it's reading material of choice was O Magazine?

"Wait, wait, wait…" Two-Face had to know, "So you just what? You just walked into Macys or whatever and marched up to the cash register and bought that?"

"Grundy Amazon Prime member."

Two-Face threw his hands up, "The fuck is the world comin' too?!"

Selina presented Harley with two neatly gifts with a snowman pattern on the wrapping paper. It was obviously from Victor Fries.

Harley went for the smaller one first and upon opening it, she smiled, "Hey! I forgot I would need one of these- thanks so much!" She handed it to Ivy who inspected it; it was a milk thermometer. Ripping the paper off of a larger box, Harley gasped once she realized what she was looking at. It was several sets of very nice, (and expensive) designer infant winter wear: matching soft moccasins, onesies, hats, and mittens.

"Their adorable!"

A metallic voice spoke up, "The thermometer is from me. Nora picked out the clothes. She's always had such excellent taste."

Ivy agreed, "She does indeed!"

What was it with all these _thoughtful_ _dead people_? Ivy would have to attempt a conversation with the frozen corpse the next time she encountered her.

"Now I get to open yours, Kitty!" Selina had offered her a stack of various boxes, all of them expertly wrapped, she knew how much Harley loved to tear open wrapping paper. After Harley opened them one by one, she now had a very nice, and exceptionally stylish assortment of infant clothing ranging from 0 to 6 months. She also had a black stuffed kitty that was meant to go with a matching cat themed onesie. "Geez Kitty, I'm gonna have the best dressed baby in Gotham!"

"I want all those other babies in those other strollers to be _jealous_."

"They will be."

"Well this was a great party, but now it's time to go to _work_." Harvey chuckled as he stood up. The other rogues got up as well and said their goodbyes and offered more well wishes before heading out.

As everyone began leaving a few members of Oswald's staff began cleaning up around the buffet table as they did need to get the lounge ready to open for the evening.

"Oh!" Selina popped out of her seat when she remembered something. Returning to the table, she pushed the box over to her then she said quietly so that no one other than herself and Ivy could hear, "This one is from _HIM_."

Harley blanched, "B-man?"

Selina nodded. "Open it."

"Yes, Harley, _do open it_." Ivy was as interested as the blond to find out what the caped crusader would consider a gift to them.

The package was nicely wrapped with Batman logo wrapping paper. Opening the box, Harley had to admit that she was pleased to discover a fancy and expensive high tech baby monitor. Included with the monitor was a gift card and a Batman pacifier, as well as a greeting card with a baby on the front. Harley let out a loud guffaw when she opened the card. She laughed so hard she was to the point of tears.

Ivy eagerly snatched the card read it. "It's the phone number for a psychiatrist and help center…" She continued in clipped tones, "He has also been kind enough to include a promotional code for a free T-shirt from his fan club. Apparently the rodent _does_ have a sense of humor."

Catwoman laughed with Harley.

"Oh, this one is from me, Harley." Ivy was a bit nervous, some of these other gifts would be difficult top- although Ivy did arrange the baby shower so she supposed that counted for something.

The gift was in a several boxes of varying sizes covered in green wrapping paper. "Red! This is really nice!" It was a baby food maker and a formula maker. She also received a photo book for 'Baby's first year'. "You're so good to me." She leaned in and gave Ivy a kiss on the lips. Ivy was relieved the others had left by now otherwise she'd have to endure a whole slew of catcalls and wolf whistles.

Ivy grinned, "Well I guess we should start loading this stuff into the car."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Once all the gifts were packed into the car and Ivy's new pistol was packed into her waistline, both women got into their car. Harley turned in her seat to regard Ivy. Harley leaned in and gave her a searing kiss now that they had some semblance of privacy. As the kiss continued she eventually made an amused squeak, "Red! You are such as sugar lips!" She accused.

Ivy chuckled and pulled back, "Sugar lips, huh?"

"You taste like Kool-Aid."

"You _always_ say that!"

"That's because it's true- you're like a giant… giant piece of fruit or nectar or whatevah!"

Ivy seemed to take that into consideration before she turned in her seat and started the car. Ivy had been quiet for the majority of the drive back home until Harley broke the silence, "Are you mad because I told you that you taste sweet?"

Ivy was startled from her reverie, she seems surprised by Harley's train of thought, "Oh no. No, Harley, I was thinking about what you said."

"And?"

"Nothing to worry about. I just wonder what causes that." Switching subjects Ivy continued, "Do I look bigger today? I feel bloated and I've just been so _emotional_ today."

Harley rolled her eyes, "Red, you're not the one that's pregnant."

"Then why do I FEEL PREGNANT then!?" Ivy complained dramatically.

"It's in your _mind_ , Red. We read about this, remember?" Harley explained. Despite Harley being the one that was pregnant, Ivy did seem to be the more psychologically affected of the pair. Harley just felt like eating random things at random times- more so than before she was pregnant.

Ivy pulled the car to a stop in the driveway. "Here we are. Home sweet home." Ivy was the first one out of the vehicle, "I'm going to run inside the house and grab a cart to put some of the larger gifts in."

"Kay, Red." Harley took her time getting out of the car, being just about nine months pregnant she was carrying quite a load. Harley got out of the car and, opening the back door she proceeded to reach for some of her bags.

"Hello, Harley girl."

"M-m-m-m-m-mistah J!"

He grinned evilly as he trained the gun on Harley. "Yes, it's me, dear. Imagine how hurt I was to discover that I wasn't invited to my own child's baby shower. I have so many gifts for her. Now get in the car and I won't kill you."

"No."

He snarled, "You will or I'll kill you both!"

Knowing that he was more that capable of making good on that threat, she replied with resignation in her voice, "Fine. But you promise you won't hurt Red."

His eyes flashed at the mere mention of the plant woman, "I could care less about that crazy bitch!"

"Shoving her towards the car he opened the back door and was about to force her inside when he something occurred to him; Harley would try to escape from behind, or possibly attack him. She wasn't as easy to control as she was before. Changing his mind, he opened the front door and proceeded to force her into the passenger's seat.

Unbeknownst to the clown a small feline stowaway had taken the opportunity to climb into the back seat area of the dark vehicle, hidden from view of the two other occupants. Joker slammed the back door and scurried around to the driver's side and got in.

"Harley?! Noooooo!" He could hear Ivy screaming after them as he peeled away.

Cackling maniacally he steered the car down the highway at breakneck speeds. "Thanks for the party, Pammy!" He glanced over at Harley, who was to her credit, glowering instead of cowering.

"What's the matter, Harl- it was funny."

"You are not funny."

"Haahahaahaa! Hoohohoohooo!" He was positively gleeful. Was Harley growing a backbone? "You better be careful, Harl, all that frowning is bad for the baby!"

"The only thing bad for me is YOU!" Unable to contain her hormonally enhanced rage, she slapped him soundly before she could think better of it.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Oh, no, she was _not_ losing Harley again. That was simply not within the realm of possibility. Think. Think. Ivy's adrenaline was pumping. Car. She need a car so that she could follow them. She was just about to run back to the house when a black vehicle screeched to a halt beside her. It was the Batmobile.

The passenger side window rolled down, "Get in."

Ivy opened the door without hesitation and got inside. She was pushed back into her seat at the force of the car taking off down the road like a rocket. Before she could say a word, he answered the question he knew was coming, "Catwoman gave me a tip that Joker might be waiting for you."

Ivy harrumphed. "You have impeccable timing."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"That was a mistake you stupid bitch!" He was just about to wind up to strike her with the butt of his gun, when movement in the backseat caught his eye. His demeanor changed rapidly, "Oh, and what is this?"

 _Meow_.

He grinned, "Ooo a kitty. A green kitty- how hilarious!" He gauged Harley's reaction. She was visibly upset now. "Oh, so he's your kitty, isn't he, Harley?" She could tell by his tone that he was going to do something terrible to Sprout or use him against her.

Holding the gun with his left hand, the same hand he was using to drive with, if you could consider blundering down the highway haphazardly at 90mph driving, he snaked his right arm around the seat in an attempt to grab the errant feline.

"Leave him, alone!" Harley pulled his arm from behind the seat causing him to jerk the wheel slightly with his other arm. Snatching his hand back he transferred the gun to his right hand and, without looking behind himself, fired randomly into the backseat area of the car.

"Oh, here kitty, kitty!" He said between shots as Harley yelled for him to stop.

"No! Not my baby!" She wailed hysterically.

He eventually stopped shooting after the cat finally stopped moving about. He was laughing maniacally at the entire situation. And that it was a plant cat meant that it was Ivy's creation. "I know what I'll do, my dear, I'll box him up and send him to good old Red as a gift! USPS has flat-rate shipping- get it- FLAT RATE! HAHAHAHA!"

Joker carried on animatedly until he noticed something in the back seat moving about, except it appeared to be some sort of growth; he assumed that it was the cat, but it was much larger. Then the two occupants of the car realized that the cat was growing.

When it stopped, the green house cat had morphed into a large panther-like creature. Joker and Harley sat there in a stunned silence, until Joker broke it. He spoke softly, " _Nice Kitty_?"

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

"What the fuck! Mr. Kringerpants?!" A terrified Joker shrieked as he found two huge paws mauling him over the seat. Sprout was able to get his huge head around the seat to bite into Joker's shoulder, causing him to drop the gun. Joker slammed the breaks as their car spun out, fortunately it was late and the road was rural so there wasn't any traffic to get in the way. As soon as the car slowed down enough, Harley swung the door open and ran away from the vehicle. She only looked back when she heard another gunshot, but he either missed the now huge apex predator, or it had little to no effect on him.

Harley found herself caught in the headlights of a car.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"Stop!"

Batman slammed the breaks as his car was baring down on Quinn who had her hands out and eyes squeezed shut. When Harley opened her eyes she realized that the car had just barely stopped before hitting her. She heard someone get out on the passenger's side. "Harley!"

"Red!" The two women ran to each other and embraced.

"Are you alright? Did he hurt you?" Ivy's voice was frantic as she inspected the blond for signs of injury.

"I'm okay, Red. Kitty saved me."

"Did he now?" Ivy tried to imagine that…

"He's getting away." Batman stated.

Harley seemed to notice him for the first time. "He has my kitty! You have to save my kitty, B-man!"

"Harley, look!"

Ivy was motioning downward at the blond, "What? Whatsamatter?"

"Your water just broke."


	9. Plants, Bats, and Automobiles…

Chapter 9: Plants, Bats, and Automobiles…

Batman sped down the rural two lane highway on the way towards the city and ideally a hospital. Ivy and Harley were squished together in the large passenger seat of the Batmobile.

"Ooh!" Harley moaned as she rubbed her swollen belly. Her eyes were clamped shut as she tried to remain calm. "Hurry!"

Ivy glared at Batman. "Can't you go any faster?"

"Not safely."

"I'll bet I could drive better if you'd just-"

"This is _my_ car and-"

"Aaaah!"

Batman and Ivy both flinched at the pained shout. "Stop the car! Stop! Stop!" Harley shrieked.

Batman glanced over, "But we-"

"No, it's a comin' now!"

Batman and Ivy exchanged worried looks. Ivy was pretty sure she heard caped crusader gulp. "Can't you… hold it in for fifteen minutes?"

Another pained shrieked was a response. Ivy yelled, "Pull over. Now!"

The dark knight reluctantly pulled his car onto the shoulder of the deserted road. He couldn't believe this was _actually_ happening.

He retracted the top of the car and opened the doors on both sides of the modified vehicle. Then he went about lowering the seats as far back as they would go.

Ivy felt helpless. Suddenly those books she read and all that research she did seemed pointless. "What can I do?" Batman had never heard Poison Ivy sound that way. She was uncertain.

"Sit behind her to keep her sitting upright and try to keep her calm." Ivy nodded and she moved to the driver's seat where she helped the blond get out of her pants, then she turned Harley so that her legs were dangling out of the passenger side door. She put her arms around Harley's sides and leaned against her to give her leverage so that she could lean back comfortably and still remain in a somewhat upright position. It was awkward as hell, especially for Ivy as she could feel the steering column digging into her left side. Though the redhead supposed it could be worse; _she_ could be the one in labor.

She swiped some hair out of Harley's face. "Take deep breaths, Harley." The blond nodded. She had a thick sheen of sweat forming on her forehead.

"Red?"

"Yes?"

"I'm scared." A few tears escaped from her eyes.

Ivy hugged her from behind and kissed her on the cheek. "Everything is going to be alright. I'm here. And so is the Ro- so is Batman. Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise." She tried to reassure the blond, but Ivy was as terrified as she was.

Ivy glanced over to see what the Bat was up too. She could see him accessing a hidden compartment on the side of his car. He had pulled out a kit of some sort- likely for first aid. Sure enough, she watched as he yanked off his thick black gauntlets and swapped them for a pair of latex gloves. Then he tied a medical mask around the lower portion of his face as he moved into position.

Holy shit, was Batman going to play midwife now? Under any other circumstances Ivy would laugh at the absurdity, but Harley Quinn was about to give birth in the Batmobile. This was no laughing matter!

Ivy winced as Harley wailed again. The pains were becoming more and more frequent now.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Harley screamed. "What the heck are ya doin' down there?" Harley's sense of modesty suddenly kicked in. It was a little weird having her crime-fighting nemesis kneeling between her legs in scrubs.

The ever serious reply came, "I'm going to have to help you deliver the baby." Ivy had to give the man credit for not completely losing his shit. This was a troubling situation for all parties involved. Ivy thought that perhaps she should swap positions with him, but Harley would probably respond better to Ivy holding her up than Batman. She couldn't imagine he'd be very good at coaching a pregnant woman.

Harley laughed, though she was still clearly in pain as the laughter swung back and forth between crying. "Is there anythin' you can't do, B-Man?"

"No." Was the grim reply. Harley laughed louder. She stopped abruptly to let out another scream. He continued through the screaming, "I think you might be… fully dilated."

"You think? You mean you don't _know_?" Ivy asked worriedly.

He snapped, "I'm a detective not an obstetrician!"

Harley started yelling again. " _You!_ You did this ta me!" She took a swing at Batman.

He put his hands up, "Actually, I'm pretty sure I didn't."

Now that Batman had shifted slightly out of reach. The distressed woman shifted her attention to Ivy. She reached up and tugged on Ivy's red locks.

"Yow!" Ivy yelped.

"You sunzabitches! I hate you!" Harley cried irrationally. "You did this ta me! You did thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis!" She kicked her leg out and managed to clobber the caped crusader squarely on the nose, and at the angle her leg was coming from, her toe managed to yank Batman's mask up and off of his face.

"Holy… Bruce Wayne is Batman?" Harley was feeling woozy from the pain, but were her eyes deceiving her?

Ivy's mouth hung open. Even with the medical mask on, he was still very recognizable. The caped crusader didn't even bother pulling his cowl back on. What a night he was having. He cleared his throat, "You're supposed to be _breathing_." He grumbled testily as he scowled at her. The moment was shattered as everyone was reminded of one very important thing: Harley was in labor.

"AAAAAAAAAh!" She screamed again, the revelation of Batman's identity would have to be filed away for later.

Ivy managed to grab her hand and hold it.

"Take deep breaths!" Bruce encouraged. "Not you, Ivy."

"Oh! Oh! Ohmagod! It's comin' out!"

"You have to push, Harley!" Ivy urged.

She did as recommended. Her face scrunched up in agony as she pushed with all her might. She stopped and whimpered between panting, "I can't, Red. Hurts… so much…" She felt like she might faint.

"You're almost there, Quinn."

Ivy stroked her head reassuringly, "You're almost there, love. Just keep pushing."

Harley took a deep breath and tried again.

"I can see the head." Batman actually sounded a little excited, 'excited' for him anyway. "One more good push."

"You hear that, Harl? One more. A big one, c'mon, I know you can do it." Ivy rocked against her in an attempt to soothe her. Harley leaned forward and pushed one more time before she fell back against Ivy, exhausted from her exertions. It was quiet for several seconds.

That's when she heard it for the first time. A small cry came from the direction of where Batman was kneeling outside the car.

A serious voice said with a hint of awe, "Congratulations, Quinn. It's a girl."

He handed the baby to Harley who eagerly reached out for her and pulled her against her chest instinctively. She was small, wrinkled, still sporting an umbilical cord, and a little slimy, but she was the most beautiful thing that Harleen Quinzel had ever laid eyes on. She fell in love instantly.

Harley's tears of pain were now tears of joy as she held the wailing infant. "Oh, look at her!" She beamed with renewed vigor, "Just look at her, Red. She's so gorgeous."

Ivy said softly, "She's lovely." Ivy's voice was trembling with emotion, "No, she's _perfect._ Just perfect, Harley..."

Ivy was still keeping Harley upright as she peered over the blond's shoulder at the tiny infant. There was no question about the child's parentage. She had a round face like Harley and she had her big, beautiful, blue eyes. But the soft, abnormally bright crimson curls she was sporting were undeniably Ivy's contribution. She could also make out faint traces of green around the infant's lips.

Harley shifted so that she could look Ivy in the eye. "You were right. She's your girl, Red." The blond smiled happily and they shared a kiss.

As Ivy sat there in the cramped two-seater with her side uncomfortably smashed up against the steering column while her nemesis watched over them in silent vigil, she realized that she had never felt happier at any point in her entire life.

There was a strange ripping sound that caught Ivy's attention. She noticed that Batman had torn his cape in half as he approached them. "It's chilly," Was the serious reply as he handed it to Harley. She also noticed that he had pulled his mask back on and his scrubs were off.

She nodded as she accepted the offering and wrapped the baby in it. Removing the rest of his cape he draped it over the blond's legs as they waited for the ambulance to arrive.

"We should name her in honor of B-man!" Harley declared happily.

Ivy stiffened. "I am not naming my daughter _Batman_!"

"Batsy?"

"No!" She glanced at Batman, who for his credit, was pretending that he wasn't hearing this conversation. "No offense."

He smirked. "None taken."

"Brucie?"

"No."

"Wayne?"

"No."

"Yea, I guess you're right, Red."

"Oh, I am."

"Robin?"

Batman and Ivy blurted in unison, "Hell no!"

They both stared at Batman, well apparently billionaire playboy Bruce Goodie-two-shoes Wayne. He shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny.

"Don't worry B-Man. Your secret is safe with us!" Harley chirped.

"Yes, Harley is right." Ivy continued, "I propose a truce… a _permanent_ one."

Batman studied them, they seemed sincere. "Only if you're done with a life of crime."

Ivy rolled her eyes, "We have a child now. It's not like we can just go out on a crime spree all willy-nilly. Who will take her to school in the morning if we're in Arkham?"

Batman sighed and nodded. "Truce. But only if you stay out of trouble."

"Hey B-man, wanna be the godfather?" It all made so much sense now! It was common knowledge that Selina Kyle was dating Bruce Wayne, but it was rumored she had a thing for Batman too. But they were the same person, go figure! "Cause ya know, then Kitty can be the God mothah…"

"Um, Harley…" Ivy wanted to stop her before it became anymore awkward than it already was.

"But Red," Harley whispered, but it was more like a stage whisper, "He's rich _and_ they could babysit…"

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Ivy, now utilizing her normal human complexion, happily filled out the birth certificate information as Harley rocked the sleeping infant. Harley and the baby had been cleaned up and she was wearing a comfy t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants as she rested comfortably in the hospital room.

_Jasmine Poppy Isley_

Harley had _insisted_ on Poppy since she couldn't have Batman. "Mommy's little June bug."

There was a light tap on the door before a maternity nurse poked her head in. Content that everyone was decent, she came into the room. She smiled kindly, "And how is mom doing?"

Without looking up from the bundle in her arms, she replied, "Wore out."

"I'm here to take the little one for a checkup down the hall, if that's okay with mom?"

Harley nodded and handed the quiet little bundle to the nurse. As soon as the nurse left, Harley turned to regard Ivy.

"Wow!" She exclaimed, her normal bubbly enthusiasm was somewhat muted by her exhaustion. "We reproduced, Red."

Ivy just nodded and finished up with the form. Harley was less than impressed by her reaction. "Red!"

"Mhmm?" Ivy looked up at her.

Harley spoke slowly and enunciated every syllable, "We. Re-Pro-Duced."

"Yes?" Ivy was annoyingly nonchalant about everything.

"Red!" Harley rolled her eyes, her tone accusatory, "You impregnated me!"

Ivy was confused, "Is that a problem?" It didn't seem like a problem an hour ago.

"Yes- well, no! But aren't you curious how it happened? How did you- _you know_..." Harley was suspicious, "Waitaminute! Did you know you could-"

As the dawn of understanding sank into Pamela's brain, she interrupted Harley, "No! I assure you I was completely unaware." Ivy paused as she considered something, "To tell you the truth, Harl, I never considered having children. My plants _are_ my children. It never occurred to me to consider my _own_ fertility. And I've never had any indication that my…" Ivy blushed. "That my body might be capable of reproducing in a non-traditional fashion… I don't know Harl, I'll have to do some tests in the lab when I get home. We'll figure this out."

"Yea, cuz I don't wanna accidentally bump into ya and get pregnant or however you're doin' this."

"I assure you, I've bumped into a lot of people- usually by accident, often with malicious intent- none have ever become pregnant."

"You bumped into them with no clothes?"

"What? No. Of course not."

Harley chuckled, "Well at least we know the single most important variable."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

After depositing Harley and Ivy into the back of the ambulance, the Dark Knight had resumed his search for the Joker. That investigation had eventually led him to an abandoned car several blocks away from the medical center. Upon inspecting the interior, he found a considerable amount of blood, grass, something that appeared to be claw marks, and a combination of large paw prints and small paw prints leading away from the vehicle. What the hell was going on in this city?

As he considered the damage to this vehicle, he was reminded of his own. He activated his earpiece, hoping that Alfred would still be up.

"Master Bruce?"

"Alfred, I need you to place an express order for some new upholstery for the Batmobile. Quinn had her baby."

"I'm not following, Sir."

"In the car."

There was a span of silence as his words registered with his sleepy butler.

"I will place the order at once, sir."

"Thank you."

Pulling out a small tranquilizer gun, Batman followed the trail of prints, hoping that it would lead him to Joker as well.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Joker peered at the medical center from an alley across the street. Confirming that the coast was clear, he made his way towards the hospital, muttering and laughing to himself.

Harley was his. The baby was his! He could just imagine the little tyke- with her little green pigtails and clown make up, running about in purple coveralls. He would teach her how to play terrible tricks on Harley. And then they would laugh maniacally together- there'd be so MUCH laughing! He could even train her to shoot at Batman. And Batman wouldn't hurt a child. He laughed maniacally for several minutes as the sadistic possibilities flitted through his head. His little angel would be infamous before she could talk!

Having found himself in an awkward position after Harley had escaped his clutches, Joker realized that there was only one thing to do at a time like this: put on a dress and impersonate a female nurse.

Entering the facility through a side entrance, Joker strolled down the halls, disguise in place. It was a terrible disguise, as he really just looked like a maniac in clown makeup wearing a nurse's costume, but technicalities like that were never going to stop the Joker from doing it anyway. He eventually made his way to the elevators and eventually to the maternity ward. Fortunately it was still the wee hours of the morning so visitors and even staff were few and far between.

He eventually came to a wall that was lined with windows. Beyond the glass was row after row of slumbering newborns, some with a pink blanket and others with a blue. He was looking for a female. He knew that much from idle gossip down at the lounge and leftover invitations to Harley's baby shower. Even that zombie freak had been invited! A zombie! Joker gritted his teeth at the affront. He eventually noticed an infant not far from the glass, one that looked a bit odd. Her tone was very pale with a slight green tinge to it.

That one had to be his. "Daddy's little…" His train of thought derailed when he noticed the abnormally bright red hair that, he had to admit, was an _Ivy_ characteristic. He slammed his fist against the glass in fury, the noise startling the infant awake. She opened her bleary blue eyes. _Harley._ A luminescent flash of green was there before vanishing back into the bright blue orbs. _Ivy_. She looked at him and began crying.

"Oh, so that's how it is, huh, Pammy?" Joker was crazed- more than usual. This was the final insult. Ivy was going to pay. Harley was going to pay. They both were going to pay. The baby was going to pay! He-Man's fucking cat was going to pay! All would pay!

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

When Harley woke up from her much needed slumber she was treated to the horrifying sight of the Joker, or no, it was a nurse dressed as the Joker, no, actually it was the Joker dressed as a nurse, holding her baby.

Before she could make a sound Joker said, "Scream and this little one gets it!"

She put her hands up, "Please Mistah J…"

"Where's _Pammy_?!"

Harley's eyes darted about the room, realizing that Red must have left to use the restroom or something, she felt a bit of momentary relief that at least Ivy wasn't also in danger.

"I don't know where she is."

He waved the gun wildly and she became more nervous as she reiterated, "I told you I don't know! I was asleep."

"Well, we'll have to go find her, won't we?!"

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Ivy was less than impressed with what the hospital's vending machines had to offer. She had considered going to another floor to see if they might have better options, but she preferred to stay as close to Harley as possible. After feeding it a dollar, which it _dared_ to reject the first few times, she hit one of the large rectangular buttons.

*BumpAhDuuunk*

She was just about to reach into what was undoubtedly a filthy disease-infested machine to retrieve her bottled water when she heard Harley's panicked voice down the corridor. Ivy ducked into an empty nearby room so that she could try to get an idea of what was happening.

"No! Don't hurt my baby!"

Joker giggled maniacally as his pistol hovered near the wailing infant.

"And just where is Pammy? I wouldn't want her to miss this!" He glanced around gleefully. He knew she couldn't have gone far.

"I'll do whatever you want, just leave her alone! Please, she's innocent!"

Joker failed to see the vine creeping out of a nearby room, a bouquet of flowers gone terribly wrong. By the time he noticed it coming towards him, it was too late. The vine shot up with the speed of a serpent and wrapped itself around his wrist and squeezed. He cried out and the pistol clattered to the floor.

Ivy darted out of a nearby room and snatched the baby out of his arms. As Ivy ran in the direction of a terrified Harley, she kicked Joker's fallen pistol in the direction of the blond. Bending over, Harley snatched the pistol up from the floor and trained it in the direction of her Ex.

Gone was the terrified new mother and now in her place was Harley Quinn. Ivy came to stand just behind Harley, "You know he will hound us for the rest of his days."

Harley scarcely spared her a glance as she spoke with cold conviction, "No. He won't."

"If it's easier I can…"

Her tone was ice. "I got this, Red."

Ivy nodded in understanding and took Jasmine further down the hall to someplace safe.

Joker was laughing- cackling really. He looked ridiculous in his nurse uniform. "Tsk tsk, Harley. As if you would ever have the nerve to pull that trigger."

Ivy's plant released its hold on him. He staggered back several steps until his back was against a window. Harley started laughing, which in turn made him laugh. Then there was a loud noise. He looked down. There was blood forming on his chest from where he had apparently been shot. She _actually_ had the nerve to shoot him. He laughed more at the irony.

She was laughing too and fired several more times. He writhed like a ragdoll as she pumped him full of lead, spinning once and nearly toppling over before righting himself. He giggled and had a look of mock surprise as he could hear the clicking of the empty barrel. Harley's look of triumph was now a look of surprise- she had damn near emptied the whole barrel into him and yet he was still standing. Harley's plan had not extended beyond 'shoot the Joker'.

"Oh ho ho ho! Looks like you're out of bullets, Harley-Girl!" His smile morphed into a sinister scowl. "Now it's my turn."

"Actually, it's mine." Harley turned as Ivy came up beside her, she noticed that she was wielding the pistol that Two-Face had given her at the baby shower.

Joker's beady little eyes fixed on the green woman whose countenance could only be described as cocky. Red was never known to have a pokerface- not in these situations. For the first time in a long time, Harley saw a flash of genuine fear in Joker's eyes. It was quickly replaced with his usual sinister joy.

"Oh, Pammy!" His voice was wet and harsh, as the bullets he was riddled with were likely burning through him. He choked out and took an awkward step forward. "So nice of you to join our little party." A bit of oddly colored blood dribbled out of his mouth and down his chin. "Now where were we, Harley?"

Harley deadpanned, "You were just leaving."

Ivy smirked, then pulled the trigger. Ivy didn't know much about guns, other than the fact that she'd stared down the barrel of her share of them throughout her criminal career. However, she did know enough to recognize that the gun she held was much newer and more likely to be in the hands of law enforcement than that modified old clunker that Harley had picked up from Joker. Or in other words: her gun had a kick.

Enough of a kick to send that clown back against the window. A second shot to his torso was enough to send him out of it. The impact sending him flying out of the fourth story window of the hospital, tumbling through the glass he laughed all the way down until impacting an ambulance parked below, crashing through the roof of it, the impact killing him instantly.

Batman had pulled his car in the parking lot just in time to witness a nurse (or was it a clown?) flying out of the window. Pushing past the buzz of medical staff, EMTs, and distressed onlookers, he noticed that no one was resuscitating the nurse. It was easy to see why- Joker's eyes were open and his neck was at an odd angle. He was clearly dead.

A part of Batman felt guilty for failing to intervene. Another part of him felt as though a weight had been lifted. One less maniac to worry about terrorizing the citizens of Gotham. Regardless, he knew that people all over Gotham, on all parts of the moral spectrum, would sleep a little better after they heard the news.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

_Several days later…_

"Home sweet home!" Harley chuckled as they crossed the threshold into the house she shared with Ivy. Ivy was carrying Jasmine, and Harley was carrying a bag that she put down not far from the door.

"I'm going to take her upstairs." Ivy said quietly so as not to wake the baby.

"Whoa what's this?" Harley said aloud as she noticed a note on their living room coffee table.

Ivy was halfway up the stairs when she hissed, "Has someone been in here?"

Harley held the note up and read it aloud, "I believe I found something that belongs to you."

Ivy was bracing herself for impact. Could the clown have a post-mortem Plan B waiting for them? Harley could tell what Ivy's line of thought was, "Don't worry, Red. It's got B-Man's logo on it." Ivy immediately relaxed, though that in itself was not the reaction she was used to having after receiving a note from the Rodent.

As if on cue, a small green cat leapt onto the coffee table and looked up expectantly at Harley.

 _Meow_.

"My precious!" Harley reached out and grabbed the feline and snuggled him enthusiastically. "Who is my precious? Who is it? Who is my little heeeerooo?"

_Meow!_

She held him up and out in front of her and kissed him repeatedly on the head and face, "Yes, you are! Yes, you are!" He started purring immediately, though he was rather confused by Harley's excitement, but he wasn't about to complain about the attention he was getting.

After depositing the slumbering infant in the bedroom, Ivy went back downstairs and made her way into the kitchen where Harley was just putting down Sprout's water dish.

Ivy addressed the feline as though he had full comprehension of the English language. Perhaps he did. "Harley tells me that you thrashed the Joker. I don't say this often, but I am _very_ proud of you."

_Meow?_

"I'm going to give you some of that premium plant food- the kind I reserve for my flytraps."

Meow!

"Aw, he'll love that, Red."

"How do you think he'll will react to the baby?"

Ivy shrugged, "The same way he reacts to everything. He'll probably stare at her for a few minutes and then go fall asleep under the recliner."

Harley suddenly leaned in and kissed her, moving her arms around Ivy's waist she pulled her in closer.

It had been quite some time since they were last intimate what with Harley's pregnancy. Ivy couldn't help it as her body woke up under Harley's touch. Moaning, she melted into the kiss and Harley held her tighter.

Sprout sat on the floor patiently observing their behavior and wondering if he was ever getting the plant food or not.

Harley pulled back slightly from the redhead and chuckled. "Whoa there, miss Sugah lips!"

Ivy's eyes widened in shock for a moment, then suddenly, she pushed away from Harley, snatched an empty mug off the dishrack, and spat into it.

Harley's mouth was agape, there was a pout in her tone "Yikes. That makes me feel real good, Red."

"This isn't personal, Harl!" Ivy was obviously excited about _something_. "And it is a literal taste?"

"Yea, you're real sweet ta me, Red."

Ivy rolled her eyes, "I mean is it _actually_ sweet to you- I'm talking science here!"

Harley rolled her eyes in response, "Yea, it tastes sweet like Kool-Aid." The blond crossed her arms, "I don't know how many times I've told you this and it's like it never sinks into your brain!" Harley could tell that her lover's mind was going a mile a minute as she stewed over something. Then without a word or even an acknowledgment that she was even listening, she bolted into her basement laboratory, leaving a confused Harley and an equally confused cat.

She shared a knowing look with Sprout. "I just don't understand that woman sometimes."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

When Ivy finally emerged from her lab it was some time in the afternoon. Unable to find Harley on the first level, she made her way upstairs. She eventually found the energetic blond in the baby's room. Harley was leaning over the crib when Ivy poked her head in.

"Harl…"

Harley turned and quickly put her finger up to her mouth. Then she tiptoed out of the room and cracked the door. Harley studied her lover. She seemed bashful and anxious, traits she rarely attributed to the plant woman.

"I think I figured out how I…" Ivy cleared her throat, "Um… pollinated you."

"Oh?"

"The um… The sweet taste. That's… uh… how I… yea."

Harley was incredulous, "So you're saying you kissed me and that's what got me pregnant? Shut up!"

"Not on the mouth." Ivy blushed furiously and cleared her throat and gestured awkwardly, "More like from…"

"Oh." Harley blushed too as the she was hit with the dawn of understanding, "Ooooooh!"

Ivy sighed, "Apparently I produce a pollen. I've hypothesized that the sweet taste you notice is some form of nectar. I can't taste it at all."

"I see."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"Hurry, it's starting!" Harley bounced on the couch with the enthusiasm of a four year old.

Ivy rolled her eyes as she emptied a bag of microwave popcorn into a large bowl. "Yes, yes, I'm hurrying, Harl."

"Any second now, Red!"

"Coming!" Ivy rushed into the living room, bowl of popcorn in hand. She handed it to an eager Harley as she sat down beside her on the couch.

' _60 Minutes presents: Agent of Chaos.'_

"Aw man! They _always_ pick my worst pictures!"

"Sssh!"

"I wonder if B-Man is gonna get all the credit."

_Scott Pelley's professional voice filled the room: "What kind of man was the Joker? The kind of man whose death sent the stock market soaring to new heights..."_

"After this we can put on the Wizard of Oz!"

"Harley, we watched that yesterday _and_ the day before…"

"Yea, I know! Isn't it great? We can watch it again!"

Ivy chuckled and rested her head on Harley's shoulder as they watched TV. "Only with you, Harl, only with you."

**The End**


End file.
